You Know and I Know, and That's All That Matters.

Let me ask a question that no one will answer honestly (maybe not even me, but I will try).

Do you have a favorite child? Did your parents like one of your siblings the best?

Here is why I ask. Sitting in the speech therapy office the other day I was flipping through Time magazine waiting on Ryder's session to end. I came across a fascinating article about parents choosing favorites when it comes to kids.  We all know it happens (unless you are an only child: you are number one by default), but will you admit to doing it or would your parents?  The study suggested that it is a basic survival instinct to nurture one child more than another.  This is common practice in the animal world.  The black eagle will watch as her strongest offspring eats her weaker offspring. Talk about favoritism. This, however, in the real world can cause some serious sibling rivalry (luckily though, the number of sibling eating sibling violence is pretty non-existent.) The article went on to discuss the study and the percentage of which sibling is liked more than another.  It was reported that "65% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibited a preference for one child, usually the older one. And those numbers are almost certainly lowballs" (Kluger).  The article also noted that most parents will fiercely deny this idea of favoritism and that the number one kid, who usually knows he or she is number one, remains under the radar about it to keep the peace with the other siblings.  No child usually wants to create animosity from his or her siblings. We watch movies and TV shows all of the time that portrays one child as the "golden child" and another as the jealous or left in the shadows sibling. Think about it, what would Robert be without Raymond Barone (In the voice of Brad Garrett: Everybody Loves Raymond). This was so interesting, and it made me think about my own family.

I have two older brothers, and we always "jokingly" (are we really though?) argue over who is number one kid.  This has been running for years.  We will occasionally tell the other siblings that one of them is number one if we feel that that sibling deserves it temporarily (for example, I graciously allowed Chris number one status when he was so sick in the hospital last year.)   I, however, stand by the fact that I am probably number one: I am the girl, the youngest, and the most sensitive to my parents.  My competition is tough though:

Sawyer thinks he's #1

Chris is the oldest. Statistically the oldest is usually number one because as the article puts it (and I am paraphrasing) parents have invested more time and money into the oldest and therefore, feel more attached.  He also has some serious health issues that make my parents more prone to worrying about him. Chris, however, is a different personality than me or Brad. He is seemingly gruff, though he is also very funny and does like to hang around with mom and dad even if he doesn't outright admit it. But because he is more prone to calling things like he sees it instead of saying what he thinks people want to hear, he comes off as not quite as much of a people person as Brad or me.  This, in my opinion, makes him even more ripe for the number one picking.  Mom and dad are constantly trying to please him more since he doesn't seem as obviously pleased as quickly as say I do.  He is also a whiz at computers and technology and is the go to guy for tech help in our family, another skill that I lack.  And I will just throw in that he has an awesome wife and has given mom and dad not only their first two grandchildren, but also the only girl.  That is a lot to compete with.

Mike's Christmas cards from me and Chris

He looks pretty "doctorly" here huh?!

Brad is the middle child.  The middle child is usually the one who is lost in the shuffle and rarely ranks numero uno on the favorite list.  It is even worse if the gender card is not in that child's favor either, if say the middle child is not the only boy or the only girl, which is the case for Brad.  But somehow, Brad managed to shine in this middle category despite the odds.  He has always been a funny personality, ultra competitive and still is very confident (And also a bit of a neat freak).  He probably most famously in our family brought light to the whole "who is the favorite kid" argument the year he gave my parents a card for Christmas that simply said something to the sound of "Mom and Dad, I know you love all of your kids equally, but...(inside of the card) You know and I know and that's all that matters." (This was hilariously followed up the next Christmas when both Chris and I gave mom and dad a home made card that featured our kids and proclaimed us as number one.  We thought we would show the other siblings up. The hilariousness of it was that we had no idea the other would produce a similar card.  Brad just laughed and said he had been the original and needed no follow up card.) Brad was a great student and athlete and is now a very successful doctor, who is also married to a very successful doctor.  Whereas Chris is the go-to tech guy, Brad is the go-to "I'm sick and need medical advice for free" guy.  That can make a kid pretty popular and a parent feel pretty proud.

well, here we all are, sans mom. I am clearly the most normal if nothing else...

Contrary to popular belief, as the youngest, I am statistically not the typical pick for favorite by terms of the animal world.  But because human beings are much more compassionate than say, the black eagle, the youngest sometimes wins favor with one or both parents because that child represents the end of child rearing or because one parent possibly believes or suspects an older child's favoritism by the other parent and thus tries to make up for the younger child's lack of extra admiration.  However, despite the fact that youngest kids often get the left overs, when it comes to being "number one," I believe that I bring a lot to the table.  Besides the obvious that I already stated (mostly being the only girl out of the two boys gives me a better shot according to studies), I am extremely close to my parents (some may call it dependent, whatever, judge if you must), and I spend tons of time with them because I want to, not because I have to.  Another factor in my favor is that I am (or at least I believe that I am) pretty easy to get along with.  Although I have my "Mike Marker" moments, as we might put it around our house, overall, I am pretty much happy to do whatever.  I am typically not overly bossy, and I would definitely categorize myself as a people pleaser, especially if those people are my parents.  (Just FYI, the article also mentions how looks come into play, and that the best looking child is often favored.  Clearly I have that one in the bag. Just sayin').


Obviously, if you know or have met my parents, you know that they go almost stupidly overboard to ensure that we don't think that there is a favorite.  (Maybe they suspect that we suspect that there is? Did that make sense?) For example: If my dad calls one of us to check on how we are doing, he feels obligated to call the other two.  If he gives one of us money or buys us something, he will keep a tally mentally so he can give the others the equal amount in some form or fashion.  There have been numerous times that I have had say "Dad, seriously, I don't care if they got SO and SO; it is not a big deal." I cannot even begin to count how many times I have said hey to Brad on a video tape when he cannot be at a family function (he lives out if town) so that if for some reason he ever saw the tape (which he probably never will) he won't feel left out.  If my parents have a favorite, I know they would be the ones who would deny it to the grave. (Good thinking mom and dad. Mums the word.) The honest truth is that they have probably decided their children-in-laws are the favorite.  They are all of the perks of kids with less hassle.



So I decided to look at my own boys to try and decide who was my favorite (okay, just hold on before you decide I am horrible).  And you know, I HONESTLY cannot pick. Here is why: it is no secret that I had a bit of a rough time transitioning into motherhood after Ryder was born. When Sawyer came along, he was a breeze. He was more calm and peaceful as a newborn. Heck, he slept from day one.  But really, I was more calm and that made the difference.  I occasionally joked that Sawyer was my favorite because he was so easy (yes, I would pick a favorite based on ease.) When I thought about each of them separately I realized that trying to pick a favorite would be like picking what I liked better, my flattering black dress or my perfect fitting jeans! They are apples and oranges. I cannot pick because I really love them for their different qualities. Ryder is a superhero, loud, all over the place, a Dennis the Menace if you will. Though Sawyer is developing his own personality, he is a bit lower key than Ryder, calmer and more content by himself.  I think that parents often just love their kids differently, and that is okay.  It doesn't mean I feel less in love with one of them or that I wouldn't give my life up for either of them, but depending on my mood, I may prefer to play with one over the other. Just like I may eat the apple instead of the orange or opt for jeans instead of the dress.  I do hope to never make one of them feel that he is loved less than the other, because that would be a lie. All I know is that they are my boys, and I love them both for who they are.  Now, let's just hope I don't have to rewrite this if I am ever lucky enough to have that baby girl...

So, am I the favorite? Well, to borrow a line from Brad "You know and I know and that's all that matters!"

If you want to check out the article that I read and used to refer to in this blog, click here: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2094371,00.html

Source:
Kluger, Jeffrey.  "Playing Favorites." Time. Time Inc. 3 Oct 2003. Web. 11 June 2012.

The Things We Carry

The other day, I was looking at FB updates and laughed when I saw a post and pic from my cousin, Ashleigh  Ashley.  It was a picture of her purse, which she had cleaned out. In front of it, she had a spread of items that she had been hauling around with her. I laughed when I saw this. She had the mom essentials: money, wallet, pacifier, medicine, sunglasses, Sophie the Giraffe, Flip the Monkey, a toy phone (or maybe a house phone), etc. Anyway, it was a mishmash of stuff. I had already joked about the stupid stuff in my purse with friends and this prompted me to clean out my own purse and take a picture of the junk that I am hauling around with me to work, the store, church, out to eat. I laughed as I pulled the items out and lined them up.  What in the world was I doing with a pair of mittens in June in my purse?

This brings me to my next thought, my poor purse.  I LOVE this purse. It is my gorgeous Kate Spade I got for Christmas from my sister in law, Allison. It is a beautiful purse that looks great in the winter or summer. And here I am disrespecting Ms. Spade with a box of opened crayons rolling around and marking up that soft and silky lining! Sometimes I feel like I am in the trenches of the mommy war, and I must be prepared at all times.  If we make an unexpected stop at a restaurant, I need to be able to entertain my kids. If we go to the bathroom in a public area, I need to be able to sanitize hands. If we have an unexpected snow storm, then I guess my mittens won't sound so silly after all.

So here is my stuff, all spread out and for everyone make fun of.  This is actually what has been in my purse for weeks. As silly as some of these things are, they are the real contents of my daily life.

my spread of mommy stuff!

1. My Wallet- This is obvious. I need money to buy more ridiculous items that can also be shoved in my purse.

2. iPad- This is a must in entertainment purposes.  No WiFi? No problem. I have episodes of Ry's favorite shows downloaded and plenty of kid friendly apps for him to play.

3. VGA iPad Adapter--because you never know when you might need to hook up the iPad to an overhead?

4. Pop Secret Popcorn- This has been in there for months.

5. Instant Oatmeal- Maybe I need to figure out a way to put a microwave in there too?

6. R2D2-Who doesn't love Star Wars?

7. Shoes- Chuck Taylors and baby Sandals. It is always good to be prepared with extras

8. $4.59-  Time to buy myself something "real nice" (says Cousin Eddie).

9. Bracelet's- Most jewelry I wear ends up in the purse, not to be worn again for months.

10. Ponytail Holders- Yet, I can never find one when I am looking for it!

11. Chic-Fil-A Sauce- Y'all, that stuff is good.

12. Wicked Ticket- ah, memories.

13. Coloring Book and Two Boxes of Generic Crayons- This means they probably aren't washable. Good thing my lining is navy.

14. Floss- Obviously in case I get a chance to pop my popcorn, duh.

15. Pacifier- NEVER leave home without it!

16. Sharpie Rub A Dub Laundry Marker- This is a favorite of mine, very versatile.

17. Spiderman Socks- To go with the Chuck Taylors.

18. Hall's Throat Drops- I am sort of addicted to them. At least I have stopped sleeping with one in my mouth after Brad told me I was going to choke to death!

19. Swimmer's Ear Drops- A must have for summer.

20 Desitin- If you know me, you know I am obsessed with baby bottoms and preventing diaper rash. (Did that sound weird?)

21. Two Grey Mittens and One Brown Glove- I honestly don't know why other than the fact that Ryder likes them.

22. A Compact and Two Lipsticks and One Lip Gloss- I have to occasionally think of myself.  They are probably melted though.

23. GermX- Yuck, don't touch that buggy handle! We have enough immune problems.

24. Ryder's Infamous Bad Behavior Note- Lord, I am not saying anything about this so that no one tells mom and I don't get in trouble again, good grief.

25. Sawyer's Children's Hospital Bracelet- From our trip to see Dr. Hains. This merited it's own blog entry.

26. Grocery List- This one is new and just found it's way in the purse yesterday. Welcome.

27. A Tampon- I am actually glad to have a need for this. I love my kids, but for now, I'm good.

28. My Phone-Piece of crap mainly because I suck at proper care for phones.

29. My Pink Canon Camera- It isn't in the pic because I am taking the pic with it! I am part of the Mamarazzi though, FYI.

29. And Finally, My Keys- These I am usually looking for.

That is it. That is what has been traveling around with me lately. So, what's in your purse?

(And if Dr. Porter reads this by some slim chance, I recognize this is much less "deep" than the Tim O'Brien's "The Things They Carry" but I could't help the comparison.)