If you have ever read this blog, or my FB statuses, or well, just met me, you know I take the more honest approach to parenthood. I am pretty vocal about the goods, bads, highs, lows, challenges and meltdowns that are all common in parenthood. When I hit a low, I usually wallow in my thoughts or take to my blog to get out my feelings. I feel like I say most of what people experience or think but don't always vocalize, and probably certainly not in writing (much to my mom's dismay). But it is the truth.
When I was pregnant with Ryder, I visualized a wonderful life as a mom, and I definitely have that, but what I didn't picture was meltdowns in restaurants, at parties, and most recently, ball fields. I didn't imagine fights over picking up toys, how exhausted I would feel when a day was through and how much damage my kids could do to my personal belongings. I didn't picture how angry I would get at times or how frustrated I would occasionally feel. But what I have come to realize is that this is all normal. Sometimes I feel horrible for feeling overwhelmed or for being discouraged at times; I think about those who have lost children or who have children who are not healthy, and realize how truly blessed I am, but I am only human and sometimes feel like I am treading water to stay afloat. But feeling less than thrilled about parenthood at times does not mean that I am not grateful for my amazingly beautiful, intelligent, healthy and happy family. It just means that I am real, a person and that sometimes, I need re-energized and need to vent.
My first lesson in how hard and scary parenting can be came, well, about 2 days after Ryder was born. I will never forget the panic I felt at taking care of newborn Ryder, panic which I was completely unprepared to experience. In those early days, I worried, fretted and felt like I had been hit hard by a MAC truck. It was far from the visual I had of myself sitting beautifully in a bed with a gorgeous baby and looking picturesque. Instead, I was chunky, disheveled and prone to crying. Motherhood involved being up all night, wearing maxi pads in my bra, and doing 888,000 loads of laundry. My house, which I had always kept super tidy, became a baby toy breeding ground, and my once carefree life of being able to hop into a car and go as I pleased was replaced by having to spend four hours trying to get myself and baby ready, bathed, fed, and packed only to realize about the time that I was FINALLY ready to leave, it was baby's nap time and, if I wanted him to not be cranky, I had to wait for him to wake up, only to then need to be fed, changed and so on until it became either too hard or too late to go anywhere that wasn't utterly necessary. Factor in my crazy hormones and breastfeeding, and I was crying before the day ended, partly because I hadn't expected it to be so hard and partly because I felt guilty that I even thought it was hard.
As Ryder has gotten older, his needs have changed, my expectations have changed, but parenthood still remains challenging. Although the perks of parenthood are numerous and wonderful, the difficulties are also quite real. Also, because Ryder is an extremely hyperactive little boy who has a rather short attention span, I am faced with challenges that not all parents, especially those with children who are more even keel and calm, do not always deal with, or at least not to the same degree. (And I know, many of you do deal with the same issues.) Sometimes I win, a lot of times he wins and many times, I am left feeling, well, drained.
Add to this baby number two, Sawyer. He was a dream baby who never caused any problems. (I felt this way probably because the second time around I wasn't so in the dark with what I would be facing as a new mom and prepared myself for the worst) Then he hit toddlerhood. Now he is following in the footsteps of so many two year olds before him with meltdowns, screams, and a general desire to do exactly the opposite of what I want him to do. And he has become a partner in crime to his older brother. This where I get back to the original point: parenthood is difficult, challenging and even worrisome.
As moms and dads, we worry about our kids, their behavior, the way we are raising them, the way they interact with others, the way they will turn out and even the way others perceive us and our parenting styles. The tiredness of parenthood isn't just from the crayons on the walls, the paint in the clothes, the play-doh in the carpet, the toy that is broken, the plea for just ten more minutes at bedtime, the poop on the floor or the battle over eating carrots. No, it is much more than that. Now, I also worry with how others view me when I deal with these situations. This is madness, but it is such an honest fact. Seriously, have you ever judged someone for his or parenting style or lack there of? I have. Have you ever thought "What they need to do is discipline little Susie and she wouldn't act that way?" I have. I have also felt like I was on the receiving end of those harsh judgements. I feel sometimes that I am judged if I yell, spank, don't yell, don't spank, take them out, leave them in, you name it.
Many times I have been in public with my kids when a meltdown ensued, and I immediately felt like everyone was forming a negative opinion of how I was handling it. The thing is, parenting is hard. Kids do not always act the way we want them to. Sometimes, I am just trying to make it without crying or losing it. I don't need other parents making me feel more crappy about whatever it is I am facing. And sure, sometimes I am positive I am overly sensitive to these situations. Ryder had t-ball practice yesterday. It was a disaster. He cried over everything, laid in the dirt, threw his head back and wailed "WAHHHHH!" I was surrounded by moms I didn't know and 8 other kids, none of which were crying. I already felt tense. And though not directed at me, one mom instructed her kid who was playing in the dirt with Ry to get out of it or they were going home. Though not stated specifically (and probably just a result of my own insecurity), I couldn't help feeling like there was probably judgment attached to how I was handling (or lack there of) Ryder who was also playing in the dirt. Truth be told, I was just trying to make it through practice with an aggravated husband, a whiney and uniterested four year old, and a two year old who was coming apart because he couldn't get on the field. I have been in restaurants when my kids cried, yelled, got loud and I could feel the stares from people around. There are always the blessed few who lean in and say "Mine were just like that; don't worry, they aren't bothering anybody," but there are just as many who give me and other parents the evil eye. Heck, nowadays I even get the evil eye for pulling out the iPad so I can ensure peace in a restaurant, and often, it comes from other parents. Don't believe me? Just read the comments under this article: "Gadgets at Restaurants Quiet Kids, But Not Critics."
As a mom, I worry if my kids don't fall in line with other kids, not because I want them to be followers or to simply be popular, but because I want them to be happy, feel a part of the group, be healthy and active and know they are loved. Even in my most frustrated moments, I try to take deep breaths, remember I know I am trying with the best of my abilities to be the best parent I can be for them and try to encourage and praise them for all of the positives in their lives, to never tell them I am disappointed in them as a person, maybe in choices or actions, but not them, you know? I also try to be honest about the way I feel because, if I am being honest, it is a defense mechanism for the sometimes slight embarrassment I feel about a meltdown they are having in public. But I also am honest so that other parents will know that it isn't just them feeling frustrated, flustered or worn out. Sometimes, motherhood is like warfare and you have to get dirty and get in the trenches and know that those battles you face may indeed make you tired or feel like you are losing. It won't always be fun or easy, but with great effort and strategy and the confidence in knowing you are not alone in the uncertainties of parenthood, you can come out on top.
I guess the point of this is that I think it is easy to look around when your kid seems to be doing well and minding and make a judgment about how other moms are handling or disciplining their kids, but just remember, parenthood isn't easy for anyone. We all have those days when we give in, yell, or lose our cool. Days when we don't respond the way we wished we would have or when we stoop to the level of bribery just for a little peace. We also all experience times when our kid is being good, and we find it easy to pass judgment on others. Just remember, that momma is probably doing the best she can, so simmer down and cut her a break and let's all try to have a little kid compassion.
