30 Days Of Thanks, Mommy Edition

Ah, November, a time of thanks. It is a Facebook tradition to celebrate all that we, and I guess by we I mean FB users, are thankful for each day by posting a "Day of Thanks" status update.  You have all seen them, and most of you probably post them (right?), and many of you cannot keep up with them and then are forced to post multiple thanks in one day:

 I'm behind, so Day 4: I am thankful for my family. Day 5: I am thankful for my health, blah blah...

Don't get me wrong; I am not judging. I too started with good intentions and then slowly forgot about the "Day of Thanks" post.  I also think it is pretty safe to say we are mostly all thankful for the same things: God, health, family, friends, children, church family, pets, etc.  And I am no different. I am certainly thankful for these same blessings I have in my life. I believe God is almighty, powerful, merciful and is my hope. I am thankful for his love for me and my family and for the salvation he has insured for me through Jesus Christ. I am thankful I have a loving husband, amazing children, wonderful parents, a beautiful home and a secure job.  But I am also thankful for the small, seemingly insignificant things as well. And as a mom, I am thankful for a whole plethora of things, ranging from medicine to cartoons, SO here is my list of my 30 Days of Thanks, Mommy Edition.

I am thankful for...

1.A doctor's office that is open on the weekends. My kids ALWAYS get sick on the weekends.  Why? I have no idea; it is one of the mysteries of the universe, up there with missing socks in the dryer.  When we were younger, most doctor's offices were closed on the weekend and a parent's only option was to go to the ER, and though that still happens occasionally, the fact that the offices are open 24/7 is a huge blessing. 

2. Pack N Plays.  Now that Sawyer is 18 months old and into everything, I am constantly on the move chasing after him.  I cannot trust him; as soon as I take my eyes off of him, he ends up in trouble.  More than once I have found him stirring the toilet water with his hand or sitting fully dressed in a wet bottomed bathtub. If it weren't for a Pack N Play, I would quite possibly never be able to take a shower in peace. 

3. Spaghetti-Os: Hear me out. Saying Ryder is a picky eater is an understatement, and unless you count french fries, he eats zero vegetables. So, even though you holistic health conscious moms are silently shuddering (along with Jennifer Foster), I somehow feel justified in feeding Ryder Spaghetti-Os because they claim to contain 20% of a child's needed daily vegetable intake, and they even come with meatballs, which boosts extra protein, or you can opt for Spaghetti-Os Plus Calcium. I see this meal as a win win. 

 4. Five Point Harness Car Seat: Sometimes, I am going to be honest, I go somewhere simply so I can strap my kids into the five point car seats where I know they will be safe and so that I can relax for a few minutes without having to worry that one of them is into something that he shouldn't be. Don't act like you have never done it.   

5. Mickey Mouse Club House: I swear I sing the Hot Dog song in my sleep, but it is like baby crack, and my kids will quietly watch it every time.  Thank you Disney Jr. 

6. Disney Jr App: Number five brings me directly to Number six. If you weren't aware, Disney Jr has an app that is free (bonus, because I would totally pay for it) which allows my kids to watch unlimited episodes of Mickey Mouse, as well as other favorites including Jake and the Neverland Pirates and Doc McStuffins on the go.  Now my kids will not only quietly watch TV at home, but in public as well, which is a lifesaver when we go out to eat.

7. iPad 2: Alright, this is another extension of Numbers six.  We wouldn't have the joy of watching the Disney Jr app is we didn't have an iPad (or my iphone or Shaun's droid for that matter) to watch it on.  I must say, I am very glad to be raising my kids in the digital age.  Otherwise, I might never get to enjoy a meal in public.  Not in peace at least.

8. Daycare and the wonderful women who work there:  I am a full time working mom, so my children must go to daycare. I would like to be a stay at home mom, but I have to admit, I love my job, and it provides my family with many luxuries.  This means my kids must go to daycare.  There are times I wish it weren't this way, like when they pick up every illness floating around, but seriously, I am very thankful for them. They (ECA --shout out in the Bluff) take great care of my boys; I have formed friendships with the workers and totally trust them, and honestly, if it weren't for them, my trips to Wal-Mart would be painful.  They do a yeoman's job.

9. Pacifiers: What a perfect invention, a plug for a baby. Genius.

10. Disposable Diapers: Now, I know some of you moms love washable diapers (probably the same moms who cringed at the Spaghetti-Os), but those are not my style. I am very thankful I can take that pile of poop, fold it up and throw it out. No scraping, dumping, soaking, wringing out, or washing necessary.  

11. Washable Magic Markers:  Ryder thinks he is an artist, and maybe he is (gets it from me) but sometimes, he creates his masterpieces on my walls or even on his own body.  The other day I came home, and he had drawn blue lines all over his body. I asked what they were supposed to be. He said (as if it was a stupid question) "my bones!"  Luckily, they washed off easily in the bath tub later that night. 

12. Play Doh: Not all moms are down with the mess that kids can make with Play Doh, but me, I LOVE it! A can of Play Doh will keep Ryder occupied for hours, and it is one of the only play activities I really enjoy doing with him. Play Doh is fun. And it vacuums up pretty easily too. 

13. Hokes Bluff Drug Shoppe: I want to give thanks for the sweet pharmacists and staff at HB Drug. They ALWAYS help me out when I need it. I swear, I have joked that I want Candace to be my pediatrician because I trust her judgment more than the doctor's on certain things. In fact, I still drive from Southside to HB for my prescriptions.  Walgreens may be open later, but there, I am just a number, and at HB Drug, they know me by name and treat me like family.   
*(I do want to note, however, that I have had good experiences at Rainbow City Walgreens.)

14. Happy Hiney from Hughes Pharmacy: This is an amazing diaper rash cream, and believe me, I am an expert. It may cost 12 bucks for a teeny tiny jar, but it is like gold when my baby's bottom is raw.  I never like to be without it. 

15. Munchkin Microwaveable Sterilizing Steam Bags:  These nifty little inventions allow me to sterilize Sawyer's pacifiers easily and quickly. I keep a bag on my counter, and as I feel the paci's get dirty (after hitting the floor or having gone out in public with us) I put them in the steam bag. Once I start running low on sterilized pacifiers or when my bag gets full, I add a few ounces of water and pop that baby in the microwave for 90 secs and BAAM! Sterilized. If not for these bags, Sawyer wouldn't have had a clean pacifier past 6 weeks old. 

16. TUBES! Okay, I know I haven't had the best luck with tubes. Ryder has had 6 sets, 4 in the past year alone, and Sawyer has also had tubes.  Both boys had troubles including constant draining, staff infection, etc, BUT without tubes, it would have been so much worse. I swear, I think if my kids had been born before tubes were a routine process, they may very well have ended up deaf. 

17. Peanut Butter: Without peanut butter, Ryder would never get protein. It is a staple in our house. 

18. On Demand from Charter and Netflix: Thank goodness for instant access to kid friendly television shows. This keeps my kids happy and keeps me from having to buy 18 billion kiddy DVDs that will be watched nonstop for a month and then forgotten about. 

19.  Breastfeeding: I know I am known as the breast feeding weirdo in my circle of friends (heck, probably in my family too) but I believe in it, and enjoy it for the benefits of health and closeness it has provided for me and my boys. It has also allowed me to connect with a group of women through a support group held monthly at GRMC. They have become friends with whom I share a common bond. The benefits have been great--no bottles, no formula, no washing or sterilizing, no carrying coolers, as well as a reason to take a break with my baby, and there is almost nothing in a baby's small world that nursing can't fix. I wouldn't have made it through our ear problems last year in one piece if it hadn't been for nursing Sawyer at night.  Give it a fighting chance ladies...

20. Baby Monitor's: This seems silly, but it allows me to sleep peacefully knowing that even though my baby is in the next room, I can hear him clearly and loudly through my monitor. Otherwise, I might be so asleep he would scream for hours before I realized it.

21. LeAnn Browning: Does this one make you laugh? It is legit. Without her I wouldn't have the beautiful pictures to document the growth of my gorgeous family.  She is an amazing friend and an excellent photographer. If you haven't used her, you should. 

22. Friends With Kids: I have been lucky to have a large group of friends who all have wild kids (this is a compliment).  It makes life much more enjoyable to have friends who are fun and who all understand when your kids melts down in public, instead of giving you the evil eye like you can't control them.  I love my girlfriends; I have fun with my girlfriends, and I really whole-heartedly enjoy every second I get to spend with them and their kiddos.  Ladies, you know who you are; thanks for the friendship and the shoulders on which I can lean when my kids drive me nutty.

23. My wonderful family members who offer to help out with the kids: I am one lucky momma.  I have an amazing family. I have a husband who is a great dad and loves his boys tremendously, parents who help with my kids and help with my daily chores, a mother in law who helps my entire family out in numerous ways, sister in laws who lovingly offer to babysit. I even have extended family, aunts and uncles, (that's you Scarlett and Gary) who help me with my kids by allowing me to have parties at their house in the summer. I love my family. I have been blessed (even if mom does lose my kid every now and then while babysitting or put buttermilk in his cereal or peaches in the sippy cup).  

24. Sit N Stand Stroller: If you have a small kid and a big kid, you will agree that a Sit N Stand stroller is FABULOUS! It may have a crappy turning radius, but it sure makes life easy by allowing the baby to have a comfortable seat and providing Ryder with a big boy seat, something that has been a life saver when going on outings to places like the Georgia Aquarium or the Birmingham Zoo.

25. Tear Free Shampoo: I think we moms take this for granted. My kids are not still when I wash the shampoo out of their hair every night.  With tear free shampoo, I don't have to worry about getting the suds in their face.

26. Nebulizers with Albuterol: OK, this one is controversial because it has its down side, but if it were not for breathing treatments, my poor boys would be miserable and would have very labored breathing when they are sick (like always). It may not be fun to deal with, but I am thankful for the medical help it provides in making my boys feel better when they are sick.

27. Washable Bed Pads: Ryder typically throws up in the bed on average of twice a month. He has tons of congestion and if he coughs for more than a minute, he pukes everywhere (be aware of this if you ever ask him to spend the night, BTW).  He also still sleeps in a pull up, which occasionally leaks.  I HATE changing sheets, especially if I just changed them and then he has an accident, SO I always put sheets on the bed, then I put a washable bed pad where he sleeps and finally, tuck a flat sheet over it.  This way, if he has an accident, I simply pull of the top layer of sheet and bed pad, throw it in the washer, and the fitted sheet is clean and in-tact. I call this the Throw Up Plan, and I have perfected it. It cuts down on changing sheets and makes my life oh so much easier.     

28. Oatmeal: I think if it were not for oatmeal, Sawyer might starve to death. Well, that and Carnation Instant Breakfast.

29.  Fashionable Flats. I love clothes and shoes. I particularly love high heels, but as a momma, I learned real quick why moms get a bad rap for the way they dress.  Sometimes with kids, in order to function and maintain control, you must dress comfortably. It would be a disaster taking my kids to a place where I would possibly need to bust out in a run to catch a kid who has gone AWOL on me in public. But now that cute flats are all the rage, I can chase kids while looking adorably in fashion. A definite plus. This is one trend that I hope continues.

30. Blogger: Why am I thankful for my blog? Because, my blog allows me an outlet to vent my mommy frustrations to an audience that understands.  If I post every frustration on FB, then everyone who is my friend has to see it. So the guy from school I am friends with has to see my mommy rant clogging his FB Timeline (which I am not going to lie, does happen), but if I write a blog about my nervousness or anxiety concerning parenting, then I can simply share a link and only those who are interested have to read. I can connect with other moms and maybe help somebody else out with one of my mom problems or someone can leave me a comment or send me a message and make me feel better about whatever it was I was writing about, so if you have a comment, please feel free to post it!

BONUS: 

And Finally, I am thankful for my boys, Ryder and Sawyer: Without my two precious boys, none of the previous 29 reasons of thanks would matter or exist, for me anyway.  They are my world; I love them more than my own life and am more thankful than I could ever express in words for them.  They are my true blessings this Thanksgiving.

So, what are your Thanks for the month?

  

Raising My Spirited Child...

Okay, I know it seems like I always post when Ryder has some type of behavioral problem.  (Consider this a follow up to my past post, Taming My Unruly Child: Failures in Parenthood, lol) Though always rambunctious and loud, he is not always "bad."  It is just that I seem most inspired to write when things are troubling me or stressing me out. Maybe Taylor Swift isn't always breaking up with boys and then falling in love again and then breaking up again--maybe she is only inspired to write about those situations and that is simply all we see regarding her relationships! So just call me the Taylor Swift of parenting blogs...

Nevertheless, this post concerns, you guessed it, Ryder's hard (at times) to control personality.

I have noticed in the past weeks/months that Ryder has become increasingly disrespectful towards me in-particular.  He has always been an extremely spirited, very independent, very "I'll-do-it-myself" type of kid, but in recent weeks, he has picked up some unflattering habits.  He has taken to saying things like "yeah yeah, whatever" when I ask him to do something or saying, "in a minute" when I give him a command.  Now, in the beginning, I admit, responded probably inappropriately to these responses.  Sometimes I would laugh or let it slide.  You have to understand, Ryder has such a funny way about what he does and what he says.  He isn't like the typical whiny kid who is grating or the harshly cruel child who is hateful; instead, he is almost comical in the way he responds.  And it is not just me--everyone tends to laugh at some of the responses he gives when, in all honesty, he should be reprimanded.  Recently though, this talk has escalated, and his most disrespectful speech tends to be directed at me.  Now he will flat out say "No!" when I tell him to do something, or he will angrily yell hurtful comments at me when I do something he doesn't like, don't give him what he wants, or try to discipline him.  It seems as if I hear "I don't like you; you're not my girlfriend anymore" or "I am mad at you mommy" or worse once a day.  I try and let it slide, knowing he is intentionally pushing my buttons to get a response, but sometimes, it feels overwhelming.  And I get that kids are typically less intimidated by and more likely to test a mother than a father, but that does not excuse his behavior or make it any less hurtful.    

Along with his developing backtalk, he has also developed the four year old version of a potty mouth. He has certainly picked a lot of this up from classmates at school, but still, it is not okay for him to incorporate talk like "poopy head, butt crack, naked head, doo doo butt" or any other gross kid term into his everyday vocabulary.  I have noticed over the past 4 weeks that he is using phrases like these to the point that it is becoming habit. He is even starting to us these words without even really realizing it; he just spouts them out.  And like any boy, it always makes him giggle to talk about pooting, farting or burping.  The other day when he was mad at me, he yelled at me and told me "Mommy, you're a doo doo."  Is that like the four year old version of calling someone a piece of shit? I mean , good lawd. Shaun and I and my parents have been trying very diligently and seriously to correct him when he says these things, but this leads me into my next behavioral issue: not listening.

I can repeat myself 800,000,000,000 times, and he still can ignore me like I never said anything! I have been fighting this battle honestly for 3 years now (basically since he was old enough to intentionally not listen.)  Example: I have been telling him not to drink the bath water for YEARS! And yet, every time he takes a bath, I catch him drinking the water. It is so frustrating.  I say "do not drink the bath water!" at least 3 times during every bath. I have spanked him, jerked him out of the tub as soon as he drank the water, taken his bath toys away, taken any water holding containers out of the tub, and yet, he still drinks the bath water, always.

The thing is, this kid has stickability.  He can wear a person down, is as stubborn as a mule and has a spirit that is hard to, for lack of a better word, break.  PLEASE don't misunderstand, raising him has been wonderful, but certainly tiring as well.  I have, however, reached the end of my rope as far as taking his attitude.  He is honestly a very sweet hearted boy, but he wants what he wants and if he doesn't get it, he can lose it.  Often if he is extremely frustrated, he will immediately lash out by throwing something or trying to hit me or whoever is close by.  I really think, at least in part, this is his personality (the impulsive behavior and the rambunctious attitude that is).  He is sweet 80% of the time and difficult 20% and a handful 100%.  I liken him to a dog (just hear me out), maybe a lab or something that is typically happy go lucky, but even then is bounding through the house, chewing on furniture and tearing things up. Even on Ryder's best days, he is spunky and all over the place.  Those days I can handle, enjoy even.  Honestly, I think I would feel bored if he were subdued.  It is just this recent development of his more aggressive, disrespectful and oblivious-to-being-scolded side that is driving me batcrap crazy.

Truthfully, sometimes I worry about his behavior, worry about others' perceptions of him, worry about how he will handle kindergarten and school; heck, I'd be a liar if I didn't admit I have even worried he may end up in Juvie, lol.  I have decided though that my behavior is as much to blame as anything.  I definitely know how I need to react when he tests me, and boy can he test me.  I also think a lot of parenting know-it-alls who love to offer parenting advice have not really dealt with such a headstrong kid who can be so unphased by a punishment or who acts so oblivious to the fact that he is seriously about to go one step too far.  Sometimes, even though I know I must contain my composure, I just lose it and yell at him, raise my voice or do something to really let him know that whatever he is doing is getting to me, which is ultimately what he wants.  Top this off by adding to it the guilt I feel for responding to him in a way that I know is not really helping the situation and then mix it with the worry I am suppressing that I am not being a successful parent.  I know I must be consistent too with how I handle him.  It is like dieting.  I know how to be healthy; it is just hard being diligent to always stick to it.  And the other thing about Ryder is, it isn't just random outbursts that subside.  He doesn't have tantrums.  He's never totally melted down in a completely uncontrollable way; instead he is constantly being strong willed, constantly having to be reigned in so to speak.  He does better in an atmosphere where he can be loud or run around.  I don't feel so worried, which makes me calmer and causes him to then be better behaved. But put us in a quiet room or a place where he needs to be still and behaved, and I almost instantly start to sweat.  Long lines are my own personal hell, I swear.  I get tense and he gets bored, which leads to him being loud and obnoxious and me being easily set off.

My pediatrician, I think, really thinks Ryder is ADD or ADHD, but he hasn't specifically said it, though he did tell me he figured in kindergarten the teacher may reference me to seeking help for it.  I guess a part of me also believes he is ADD or ADHD.  I am not saying I am looking for a diagnosis or medicine, but I think he has a limited ability to focus, and when he does focus on something that he wants to focus on, it is almost impossible to get him to respond to anything else. So, I have to come up with something to help to change not only his behavior, but mine also.  I realized this after talking to a friend this week about some similar problems she had with her daughter and the fact that she was improving due to the mom knowing how to better handle the behaviors.  It left me actually feeling encouraged at the fact that his behavior can be modified and improved.  So I decided to put into action some steps that, I hope, will help to start really teaching Ryder to control himself and to be a better behaved child.

I went to Dollar General and bought the supplies to make a behavioral chart for him so he can have more structure, definition and consistency as to what I expect from him, and so far, I think it may really be what I needed.  He was ecstatic about it and was so happy to earn stars to put on it.  It is basically a reward system that requires him to earn stickers, which he can the cash in for prizes (like getting an ice cream, going to play at Chick Fil A or getting to pick a surprise from a treasure box).  Last night he even attempted to eat some of a grilled cheese (big for him), and he went to bed much easier than most nights (though it was not totally glitch free).  I have also discovered he is much more upset by knowing he has a "yellow light" than he is by being put into time out or being spanked.  Granted, when the new wears off, he may not be as excited and willing to follow directions, but hopefully this can keep him on track and provide him with a sense of satisfaction for doing positive things instead of just getting attention for his "bad behavior."  And I am not so sure how to handle some of this in public or while away from home, (maybe a travel chart and a to-go red light/green light chart?) but for the moment, I am satisfied with this start.  My sweet husband also provided me with a Link To Focus On The Family ADHD Tips that I have shared with you concerning handling a child with ADHD, and though Ryder is not diagnosed with this, I think the steps and advice fit our situation perfectly.  

 
That being said, I think kids will be kids, and I certainly do not expect him to be perfect.  I just want to raise him to be kind, smart, sweet and respectful. I have to nip these current behaviors in the bud now before they become true personality traits.  I also have to remember he has only been four for roughly ten weeks, and he is a boy, so he may be immature at that.  He may also be frustrated at times, and he may not know any other way of channeling his frustrations other than lashing out. I don't know, maybe he feels most comfortable with me so he feels the most comfortable lashing out at me, but whatever it is, I want to teach him the skills he needs to be happy and healthy, even if he is ever formally diagnosed with ADD or ADHD.

I have also noticed lately that Ryder tends to give up easily when he cannot get the hang of something the first time, like with a skill or activity.  He then goes into meltdown mode and cries and pouts.  He did this several times this past weekend at Six Flags when he didn't win a game he played or couldn't climb the rope latter to the top.  I want him to know that to me, he is the most special boy in the world, but that to the world, he is equal to everyone else.  I want him to be happy with himself, think highly of himself, but have empathy for others.  I don't want him to have such a high self esteem that he thinks the world owes him something for nothing. Heck, even bullies can have high self esteem (shout out Dr. Laura, lol).   I want him to learn to lose gracefully, and not to just expect to be given a trophy for simply showing up.  As a mother, it is hard to watch your child be disappointed, but learning the skills to cope with disappointment in a positive way will serve him better in the long run than by being the mother who never lets her child fail.

So, I have decided it is not just him that needs to change; it is me too.  I am going to try to maintain my composure when he pushes me to the edge. I am going to try to be more consistent with rules, rewards and punishments. I am going to try to stop spoiling him so much, stop buying him a toy every time we walk into a store or get him a prize for, well, typically for behaving badly in order to pacify him and hope he will then magically be nice. Sometimes, I admit, it does work, but usually, it doesn't really do anything but make the pattern harder to break in the future.  I distinctly remember last year on Christmas night (and we have HUGE Christmases at our house) he asked me when he was getting ready for bed if he could have a surprise. I was stunned.  He was surrounded by a ton of toys, some even unopened.  I know I won't be perfect, and if you see me in public with him acting up, and I am about to lose it, cut me a break please. But other than that, wish me luck and offer me encouragement and advice for how to tame my spirited child!  

And finally, I just want to mention, just to be clear, I write when I am frustrated and though it may appear otherwise, Ryder is an amazing son and person. He is gorgeous and funny and loving too.  He just is also difficult at times.  And I am honest.  I think many kids are like this, but parents don't love to admit it to other parents.  It usually makes me feel better though when I discover other moms of kids who I think of as well behaved have moments where they experience similar situations to mine.  

My Band-aid Baby

REM sleep.  Sometimes, I think I may never again experience it. At least, not on a consistent basis.  Instead, I have a feeling I am going to be living my next few years running off of fumes so to speak.  The result? I am tired.  The other day I woke up and laughingly Shaun and I joked that just for that day, we (okay, mostly this was me telling Shaun and him just agreeing) wished we could stay in bed all day long watching movies on TV, only having to get up to maybe venture to the bathroom or kitchen. Then I even said maybe we could have room service (it's my daydream), and we could nap at any time we wanted.  That only sounds so good to me because I never really get to sit down or relax (and I recognize some of this is my own fault for being so OCD). It's okay though! I can deal with going through a day and not really taking a break for myself. I consider my trips in the car (you know, where your kids are strapped down) as a reprieve from running around and working, and I think it causes me to look more forward to the few minutes at night after the kids go to sleep when I pull out my trusty Nook and get lost in a book or on the weekend when Shaun and I sneak in a movie or TV show at 10pm.  You would think, logically, that would be followed by my next luxury, sleep.  But that brings me back to my original point: lack of sleep.  Specifically, my lack of sleep is being caused by my youngest precious child.  Even though my baby is becoming more of a toddler, I still rarely get the luxury of having him sleep the entire night through, thus, no REM sleep for me.

Sawyer is my sweet and cuddly baby.  Most of my posts are dominated by funny Ryder stories, but lately, Sawyer has been doing a good job coming into his own.  He has a distinctly different personality than Ryder.  Whereas Ryder is doggedly determined and only listens to what he wants to hear, Sawyer is happier sitting in my lap or hanging around my neck.  As long as he is with me, stuck to me like a band-aid, he is content.  He is becoming more independent now that he is getting older and more mobile, but as a whole, he is much easier to handle than Ryder ever was as long as I carry him.  He is sometimes bossy, and he is louder than I originally thought he might be; he is even starting to yell "No!" at me, but then he breaks out into a toothy grin and comes running to hug me.  All in all, he is loving baby who, for a 21 lb tiny human, can definitely make himself heard.  In the daytime, I laugh at his clingy behavior, even smile and think about how special it makes me feel that he is such a mama's boy.  But at 2am, the affection and clingyness is starting to be much less "cute."

As a newborn, Sawyer fit into my life and our family with such ease that I joked that at times, I forgot he was even around.  I will never forget how stressful Ryder's first few weeks of life were at night. He would get geared up to scream at 10pm and would go until 4am, when he would finally give up.  This lasted approximately 4 weeks.  Then, all of the sudden, his sleep patterns became much easier.  He slept large chunks of the night without waking, and he would even wake up cooing in his crib. Sometimes I would listen to him for 30-45 min before getting him out of bed.  As a 1-2 year old, I would literally get Ryder to sleep in mere minutes and then be out of the room to enjoy a bit of free time.  I am not saying he was perfect.  He would occasionally experience a disrupt in his sleep patterns; once I even let him "cry it out" after a few weeks of noticing he was wanting me to get him up to rock him in the middle of the night for no reason other than comfort.  Often times, his weeks of waking numerous times at night or fighting going to sleep would be followed by severely infected ears, which I would realize were his underlying problem.  We would get the ears fixed and his sleep patterns would become peaceful again.

How I found Ryder when he was Sawyer's age after I let him "cry it out" for a few hours.

How I found Ryder when he was Sawyer's age after I let him "cry it out" for a few hours. 

Sawyer, on the other hand, is a totally different story. He started off better than Ryder.  The first night I brought him home he slept 3 hours in between feedings.  If you have ever had a newborn, you know this is fabulous.  I was so pleased that he really never had any nights of screaming for hours on end that I bragged to everyone about what a great tempered baby he was (and I still whole-heartedly believe that).  And unlike Ryder, who never napped in the daytime, Sawyer would sleep for a few hours during the day, giving me an often much needed break to relax myself.  This pace rocked along until about 6-8 months.

It is no secret that I am a breastfeeding mamma.  I probably have been labeled that nutty holistic mom by my friends who personally do not want to breastfeed past the first few months.  I make no apologies for the fact that I support and believe breastfeeding is the healthiest way to nourish a baby.  I also support extended nursing.  To me, a 2 year old who nurses is normal, not creepy.  Sawyer is the poster child for breastfeed babies.  Though he is 16 months old, he is still perfectly content and 100% happy to nurse.  Many nurslings will self wean when they are ready.  This can happen early for some babies and much later for others.  For us, Sawyer appears to be no where near ready for that, and I am okay with that.  Breastfeeding came easy for both me and Sawyer.  I, for one, enjoyed the freedom from bottles and formula and washing and refrigerating, etc. But the biggest reward of nursing was night nursing.  I honestly do not know how formula moms have the energy to fix bottles, warm them and then wash them or wake up to a sink full of dirty bottles day after day.  Nighttime feedings for a breastfeed baby are, in my own personal opinion based on my own experiences, easy. Baby cries, unbutton shirt, feed baby, go back to sleep.  Many nights, especially in the beginning when Sawyer was in the crib beside my bed in my room, my feet never even hit the floor during his feedings.  I would tuck him in close to me, feed him, drift to sleep with him, then wake up and move him, sleeping so soundly, over to his crib.  It was sweet, calm and peaceful.

When Ryder was a baby, he breastfeed for 6 months.  For numerous reasons, I ended up stopping at that point and switching to formula.  By this time though, he was sleeping all night, so I never had to warm a bottle or feed him at night.  I had evicted Ryder from the crib by my bed by the time he turned 4 weeks old.  I was so sleepy and driving myself so silly at night making sure he was alive and breathing that neither of us could sleep.  So on the day Ryder turned 4 weeks old, I moved him to his crib in his room.  This was also the first night he ever slept the entire night. I swear, I thought he was dead when I jerked awake the next morning and realized I had actually slept.  And even when Ryder did wake up, I was much more diligent to rock him and put him back in his bed, no matter how tired I was or how long it took.  I was too scared to co-sleep because of SIDS.  When Sawyer came around, I was much more comfortable with parenting and was quicker to put Sawyer in bed with me to feed.  It made me a much more functionable person in those early months because I could drift off while he ate, and it is probably why he slept so much better than Ryder had in those first weeks.  I didn't worry about SIDS or spit up or any of those nutty things that kept me in check when Ryder was born.  In fact, one quick realization I had about parenting two children was that when one child wakes, it is very easy to wake (unintentionally) the other child--and let's face it, no parent wants that to happen.  This factored into my decision to bring Sawyer into my bed as well.  If he ever did cry for any length of time and wake Ryder up, it was much harder for me to manage.  Two crying babies can be really tricky.

Fast forward to 16 months old.  Sawyer is still in the same pattern of sleep he was in at 7, 8 months old.  Another habit I formed was rocking him to sleep at night while he nursed. Usually this was also while Shaun and I spent a few minutes watching TV and enjoying the quiet time together.  Now that Sawyer is older, he still will only go to sleep if I rock him.  I haven't figured out how to break this habit (other than crying it out).  Honestly, I didn't realize I had created this monster until it was created, so to speak.  But truth of the matter is, I can handle rocking him to sleep.  Sure, there are times when it would be nice to just pop him in bed and leave, but I am okay spending some snuggle time with my baby.  It is what follows that is driving me slowly bat %&$* crazy.

Sawyer still wakes up anywhere between 2-4 times a night.  Ideally, he would like to nurse when he wakes up (something Ryder stopped on his own after about 3 months old), and even though lately I have been doing good at not giving in (most of the time anyway) to his desire to simply nurse for comfort, I still cannot get him to sleep an entire night through.  No lie, he has had approximately 2 full nights of sleep (from the time I put him down until the sun comes up the next day) since July 1. I have been counting.  A typical night starts with rocking Sawyer and putting him to bed at 8:00pm, roughly.  Usually he goes down easily.  I then enjoy some reading and relaxing before I go to bed, typically around 10:30.  It never fails, by 11:30-12:30ish, Sawyer wakes up.  I know he his simply waking up and then he cannot go back to sleep on his own, but I swear I think he is waking himself up on purpose to catch me not sitting with him so that he can wail at me and make me feel bad and miserable at the same time.  I usually get up and rock him or comfort him and then put him back in his bed.  This takes anywhere between 20-45 minutes.  At about 4:30am (and many times earlier) he will wake again.  I again drag myself out of bed and rock him back to sleep.  I place him back in his crib, where, half the time, he will pop back up, no matter how asleep he looks, and start crying.  If I am really tired, I will just give in and pull him up and take him with me to my room where he will snuggle close to me and happily, knowing he has gotten his way, go to sleep.  I am also quick to make this decision because I do not want him to wake Ryder.  I totally know I am being played, but the truth of the matter is, I just want to sleep! So, I do what I have to do.  And many, MANY nights, he will also get up in between the midnight and mid-morning wake ups.  For the last few weeks, he has been waking up about every two hours.  That is a worse rate than he was at when he was a newborn!

I have recently decided that I would love to return to a full night's sleep (ha, if it where such a simple decision).  To do this, I know I must be more firm with him and just toughen up and let him cry.  I have been doing that some this last week.  I am still rocking him, but if he pops up when I put him down, I am trying to just walk away and let him cry himself to sleep instead of pulling him out of the crib every time he whimpers.  I admit, this is hard.  Last night, for example, I put him down at 11:45 after he woke up crying. I thought he was sound asleep, his little arms limp and his head flopping over on me.  As soon as he hit the bed, he pushed up and started pitifully crying.  Instead I told myself to be strong.  I did not get him up and instead listened to him cry for what seemed like forever, telling myself that he was fine, just spoiled.  He eventually went to sleep and even had a pretty good night, sleeping until about 5:20 (sad, right) this morning. When he started making noise, I went to get him (actually feeling rested with the extra hour of uninterrupted sleep) and discovered he had apparently been asleep in a huge diaper full of poop (sorry, there is no nice way to say it) for probably most of the night.  I felt so horrible, like I had ignored his cry for help.  Heavy sigh. Now, I will probably be unable to get the idea of him wearing a dirty diaper out of my mind when he cries at night.  I guess I will just keep on keeping on with our battle.  Waking, rocking, crying, maybe even pooping.  I would love to think that eventually, he will just start sleeping and stop waking so often.  Maybe he will, but right now, it feels like I still have a small infant.  What I really want is sleep--peaceful, restful, uninterrupted sleep.               
    
Occasionally I am asked if and when I plan on having another baby.  I think most people ask just to see if I am nuts enough to say I am, or they secretly wonder why in the world I would want to.  The answer is yes, I do want a third baby (though I have thought about telling people "it was an accident" when it happens).  I love the hustle and bustle of parenthood and as everyone knows, would love to try just one more time for a girl.  And the way I look at it, I might as well go ahead and have my third baby while I am still getting up so much in the middle of the night.  I would probably hardly even notice the disruption.

So, do you have any useful tips on how I can get my band-aid baby, who thinks he cannot be away from me during the night, to sleep and STAY asleep? If so, do tell...

A Life With Ryder. Happy 4th Birthday.

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Ryder,

Happy birthday to you!

Holy cow! Where have the last four years gone! Today is Ryder's fourth birthday.  We have celebrated all weekend leading up to the actual day. In our house, birthdays are important, celebrated, fun!

Some years back my family began a tradition that we refer to as "The Fifteen Minute Birthday Party." When someone in our family has a birthday, we always try to get everyone together (in the immediate family) and throw a quick birthday "party."  Even if we only have 15-30 minutes to spare, we make it a point to throw some party plates, hats and a cake on the table, and celebrate as a unit.  Typically these get togethers last longer than 15 minutes, but some have been brief--just long enough to sing, eat cake and run.  They are fun though, and we enjoy spending our time with each other, even if it is just for a half hour.

In kid world, however, a birthday should last longer than 15 minutes.  It is, after all, the second biggest day of the year behind Christmas. So, we have been celebrating in full force since Friday morning, our Opening Games, if you will.  Brad and Allison came from Dothan and as soon as they arrived, the atmosphere surrounding Ryder was heavy with birthday anticipation.  Ryder proclaimed all day that it was his birthday, and he wanted to know when he was opening presents and when exactly he would be four. Then Chris, Nikki, Anna and Jake came over, along with mom and dad, and from that point on, the action was high.  We went to eat at the new pizzeria in Southside, and I am fairly sure the restaurant broke out into cheers when we left. The boys came home and ripped and roared (literally--Woody was decapitated, Ryder's bed was stripped of bedding, the lamp had to be removed, a bow and suction-cup arrow set and a bowl were both broken--all of which the boys blamed on eachother or Sawyer) through my house until they were almost past the point of go.

Saturday, after spending the afternoon at the playplace at McDonald's with his cousins, Jake and Greyson, Ryder celebrated with friends and family at his Spiderman birthday party.  Ryder had a blast.  He tore through presents at a superhero speed.  It was a perfect day.  He came home to assess the loot and to start playing with the goods.  Because his party was before his actual birthday, he was still on the birthday high the next day.  Sunday, after a lazy day of play, we treated him to Red Lobster, (mostly because I had a kids eat free coupon, and it was shrimp fest, but whatever), and he was delighted when the waiters sang to him and brought him ice cream, and we were all shocked when the stranger next to us gave him ten dollars.  Other than a 10pm trip to Winn Dixie to retrieve a lost Spiderman Potato Head, the day was glitch free.  On Monday, his actual birthday, he woke up and before we even left for school, I sang to him and let him blow out his birthday candles on his cake that we purchased for him to take to ECA. After school, we went to "Chic Bo La," as he calls it, and we allowed him to run free in the play area while we ate.  We followed the trip up with a stop by TJ Maxx for a birthday toy (small though) and finally, we ended the 3 day celebration by singing him one last round of Happy Birthday and by giving him one more small present.  All in all, it was about as fabulous of a birthday as any kid could ask for, and far from a fifteen minute party!

When I went to bed on the night of his actual birthday, I thought about the past four years.  How excited I was when I found out that I was pregnant with him.  How much I enjoyed pregnancy and planning for his arrival.  How poorly I handled the pressures of a newborn baby.  I experienced postpartum after Ryder was born and was stunned at how hard and stressing it was to be a new mother.  I will never forget the panic that washed over me as the nurse wheeled my 6 lb, golden-haired baby boy into my overly crowded room just an hour after giving birth and told me that he was mine! She showed me his diapers, and I freaked.  (I can still hear my aunt Scarlett laughing at my reaction in the background.  Or is that one of those false memories that develops after a life altering event?) For some reason, I even asked if the nurses would be coming in to change his diaper and wanted to cry when they said no! (For the love, I can't believe I said that.) The car ride home from the hospital felt like hours instead of minutes.  I was sure he was probably suffocating in his carseat.  I hobbled around feeling like I had been hit by a bus and feeling overwhelmed at the constant nursing and all night screaming (Have you ever seen the Suave commercial where the beautiful woman morphs into a bedraggled mom in a matter of minutes? That is exactly how I felt.)  I cried when I discovered my mother-in-law changed my sheets while I was in the hospital and did not replace them with the ones I had designated to go on my bed after the baby was born (that is nutty). I obsessed over keeping him looking like a baby doll with no spit up stains on his perfect clothes.  I wore glasses to sleep, if you could even call it sleep.  I would hang my head over the edge of the bed, with glasses uncomfortably crooked on my face, and try to keep myself awake to make sure he didn't die in the middle of the night from choking on spitup, which I was sure was going to happen. I am surprised I didn't smother him. One time I jolted awake to find my hand spread out on his face. I had placed it on his belly so I could make sure he was breathing, but in my exhaustion had drifted off and my hand had moved.  In short, I was nuts. Now, I get a good chuckle out of how bananas motherhood made me.  At the time, it was serious. 

Soon though, my fears melted away, he began sleeping, and I became confident in my mothering abilities.  The years following have been amazing (not going to lie, tiring too).  He has always been a funny, loud, sweet and doggedly determined person.  I have enjoyed watching him learn, dress up, give love, be independent and make my life better.  I have struggled with watching him have multiple ear infections and colds and having to take him routinely to Birmingham for his immune issues.  I have watched him make friends at school and laugh with other kids, as well as worried over the possible heartaches he may face in life.  My heart sang when I saw how he immediately fell in love with his baby brother and how he never, not even one time, acted jealous or ugly towards Sawyer.  I have kissed boo boos, wiped tears, sang songs, read books, painted pictures, created messes, cleaned up messes, felt stressed, felt overjoyed, bought surprises, planned play days, doled out punishments, bestowed earned rewards and tried to give him a happy, happy home.  All in all, I cannot imagine life without my firstborn, blonde headed, Dennis the Menace, superhero son, Ryder Hudson Mecham.  I t would be dull and completely uneventful.  I never know what he is going to say or do. Sometimes I laugh just looking at him.  He is the apple of my eye.  Sometimes I write about all of the irksome stuff he does, but the truth is, I love the irksome stuff.  He is who he is and that is exactly why I love him so much.

To my beautiful, smart, independent and amazing son, Happy, Happy 4th Birthday.  I am so proud to call you mine.















(And let it be known that I cannot do it alone.  Shaun is an amazing dad to my boys, and I am proud to call myself my husband's girlfriend.)

Three Year Olds Have Cliques?

How important is popularity? Does it make a person more successful, happier, or more well rounded?

GaLinda, from Wicked (the Musical, adapted from the book by Gregory Maguire) believes popularity is the way to be successful in life, and though we learn that she changes throughout the story by befriending the unpopular Elphaba, she still holds on to her public role as the popular Glinda the Good in order to maintain her power with the public. She even sings about popularity as she tries to change Elphie in the early stages of this unlikely friendship:

 When I see depressing creatures,
With unprepossessing features,
I remind them on their own behalf
To - think - of
Celebrated heads of state,
Or specially great communicators!
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!

They were POPULAR!
Please!
It's all about popular.
It's not about aptitude,
It's the way you're viewed,
So it's very shrewd to be,
Very very popular
like ME! 

In Arthur Miller's play, Death of A Salesman, Willy Lowman, the protagonist and tragic hero, basically destroys his relationship with his two sons by constantly pushing them to be "well liked" by everyone, even if it means taking advantage of others to do so. Willy refers to Bernard, Biff's nerdy friend, as "liked, but not well-liked." According to Willy, only great men are "well liked."  The reader sees the great flaw in this thinking, and in the end, it is Bernard who turns out to be successful, while Biff and Happy flounder, but still, is Willy, at least in theory, on to something?

 I say all of that to get to this: Do most parents want their kids to be popular?

Ryder is only three, going on four years old.  When I had children, honestly the idea of their popularity never really crossed my mind.  

Flashing back to my school years, I have memories of truly enjoying going to school. Of course, I can recall a time here or there when maybe I was the odd man out at a sleepover or party, but for the most part, I never really actively thought about popularity or worried about being liked by others. I wasn't necessarily the most popular girl in my grade--I wasn't the homecoming queen or a cheerleader, but I was friends with the girls who were. I was also friends with the girls who were not. I cannot remember a time when I ever dreaded school or was afraid I would be left out of the group.  

The thought of worrying about my own children's popularity seems odd.  After all, Ryder is not even school age, but lately, I have been thinking more about it. Let me clarify, I think the term "popular" here is incorrect. I am not worried about my kids being the most popular kid in the class; in fact, I think that would come with its own set of worries, but what I am talking about is simply worrying about my kids having plenty of friends and not being singled out.  

Let's face it, kids can be mean. We have all witnessed it at some point or another. I think every mom has probably shared at least one moment of worry over the feelings of her children when they are around other kids.  I, for one, certainly don't want Ryder to ever be without friends or made to feel excluded from a group; that is simply the mothering instinct within me to protect my child from hurt.  

I can tell Ryder is really growing up; he has transitioned out of the baby/toddler stage and has entered the little boy stage. With this comes the task of developing friendships on his own and learning how to play well with others.  Ry has been going to the same daycare for three years and has pretty much been with the same group of kids. I always assumed they just played in one big group, but I have been surprised to find out lately that cliques and best friends are already being developed. That seems crazy to me. Ryder is constantly asking me for something (boots, shirt, toy, jacket, you name it) based on the fact that someone else has one. He will say "I need a pair of brown boots like So and So kid has at daycare."  The keeping up with what everyone else has is already starting---in 3 year old preschool!  But the conversation that really sparked my thought about this topic took place a couple of weeks ago. 

Everyday when I pick Ryder up and drive him home, I ask him the usual questions: "Did you have a good day?" "What did you do?" "Who did you play with?" This series of questions is really just me trying to keep a conversation going with him.  Last week though, when I asked "Who did you play with?" He happily answered a girl's name and a boy's name. I said the appropriate response of "Good! What did y'all play?"  Then I, for no real reason, began spouting off the names from the class that I am familiar with, "Did you play with So and So boy?" Ryder's answer sort of stopped me in my tracks.  He said "No, he doesn't like me." So, I tried rephrasing the question: "Oh, you didn't play together today, but y'all are still friends?" Ryder was firm, "No, he is mean to me; he doesn't like me."

I admit, and if you read my blog, you are aware Ryder is a loud and overpowering personality, probably one that I can assume not every kid will gravitate towards. But somehow I was a bit shocked. I guess the realization that not everyone Ryder plays with will always like him never crossed my mind. I knew that he often fights with his cousin, Jake, and that at times it seems like they don't get along, but I also knew they are more like siblings than friends and that, at the end of the day, Ryder will tell me he wants to see Jake because he is his "frand."  But somehow this hurt my feeling for Ryder, though he seemed to not care. 

I decided that maybe Ryder didn't really understand the idea of what it means to not be friends versus "we simply didn't play together today." I started quizzing him daily about his friends, who he played with and who others in the class played with, all while trying to be upbeat so as not to make him feel like something was wrong or like he was being left out.  Still, daily I was met with the same basic answers.

A day or so later when I dropped him off at school, I forgot to put his ear drops in (after his tubes) and asked if it was okay that I go get him to put them in. When I walked into the room, Ryder was crying and standing by the teacher and saying "So and So boy (the same I had asked Ryder about in the car) won't let me play with him." This literally broke my heart. I then became worried about it. Was he going to have friends? Would he be left out or excluded at school? He is too young for it to really hurt hist feeling for longer than 3 minutes right now, but at what point would it become more hurtful for him? Was I being totally over dramatic and doing some serious hoovering mothering about this particular topic? I didn't know.  I asked another teacher and, though she did confirm that Ryder didn't get along with that particular boy based on the fact they are both pushy and want to be the boss, that he seems to play fine with everyone, though he doesn't tend to play with any one group of kids for too long before moving on and that he does seem to fight less with the girls. He also isn't as physical with the girls (well, at least that is one worry I feel better about and can remove from the list:  girl abuser.)

Then, a few days ago I asked again the same series of questions, and he told me he played with the same little girl he seems to always play with. I said "what about the boy you have been playing with?" He answered  "He is not my buddy."  WHAT?! Why all of the sudden is he playing with all little girls when he is in a class filled with boys?  He is very boyish and not a thing about him is girly, so I didn't understand. I questioned what he played with the girls.  He said "hide in seek."  I again suggested he ask the boys to play hide in seek with him, and he told me they weren't his friends and that he liked playing with the girls.  When I prodded him as to why, he replied "because they are my girlfriends; I love girls." Okay. Should I be happy or worried at this response? I tested him further: "What about the other kids?" One thing I noticed is that he seems to view the friendships of the others in pairs: Bill and Ted are friends, Tim and Joey are friends, Jack and Tom are friends.  You get the point?  So I am not sure if he just thinks that once a kid plays with someone else, they are friends and no one else is included, ergo anyone outside of this pairing is not a friend.  But I keep wondering about how he told me the boys were mean to him.  Does he understand what that really means? (It seems he does in other contexts. For example, if he doesn't get something he wants, then I am mean, which is logical for a three year old.) Or is he simply saying stuff in reply to my questions. A three year old isn't always reliable after all. The other day he told me they ate "Honey Bunnies" (which is a term of endearment I call him) for lunch at school, and he stuck to that story. But it does seem that he is always consistent in our conversation about friends, who he played with and who doesn't "like him."  

In the end, I have decided that I am simply going to teach him to be nice to everyone, and if someone doesn't want to play with him, to just move on and find someone else who will.  I also recognize how silly this all sounds, particularly because of his age.  But the more I have thought about it and the more I am observing, the more I can see other moms trying to get their kids into the perceived "in crowds" at an early age, planning play dates and forming connections that they hope will pay off later.  I understand this line of thinking honestly.  I think life for a well liked kid is probably a bit easier, at least in the present, than it is for a kid who is left out.  I think part of my fear is also over the fact that Ryder will be starting a new daycare this fall in Southside, and I am worried about how he will fit in with both the teachers and the other kids. Obviously, I want him to be liked by the other kids, and I suppose I view his being accepted by others a factor in his happiness.  Doesn't everyone, for the most part, want to be accepted?  

So, in your opinion, am I being over dramatic? Is it normal to worry about such silly and superficial matters? Have you, moms out there, ever, even slightly, felt this way about your children? 

If so, make me feel better! (Let me just add that this seems to be my issue; Ryder seems to be perfectly happy at school and doesn't even notice that he is telling me that others leave him out!)

From Mean Girls: (Guess this is a problem for the ages...)

Regina: We do not have a clique problem at this school.

Gretchen: But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".

Regina: What are "frenemies"?

Gretchen: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies".

Karen: Or "enemends".

Gretchen: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors".

Regina: [Rolls eyes] That is so gay.

Karen: [Gasps] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"?

[Regina scoffs]

Gretchen: No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it.

Karen: Oh...

Taming My Unruly Child: Failures in Parenthood.

Do you ever have days when you feel like a complete and total failure as a parent? Well, for me, today is one of those days.  I have two beautiful and loving boys, and both are the center of my entire world, but I am the first to admit that neither is perfect. 

Ryder has a unique personality. He is fun loving, free spirited and always interesting.  I love almost everything about his pint sized personality, almost everything. The one Ryder trait that drives me nutty is his aggressive behavior. I laugh and joke about it, but truth be told, sometimes I actually feel more like crying than laughing.  Let me give you an example of this undesirable behavior:

Today before going to school, Ryder decided that he wanted to wear his blue flip flops.  Daycare does not allow, or at least has requested that the kids not wear flip flops so as to protect their toes while playing.  I argued that he could not wear them.  In the meantime, Sawyer, who lately seems to be following right along with a loud and bossy personality, was destroying the bedroom, and I was trying to hurry to get out the door for work.  My first mistake of the morning was giving in; I decided that, in effort to avoid an argument and meltdown, that he could wear the flip flops in the car and then change to his tennis shoes at school. I clearly explained this to him, telling him he would have to put the other shoes on as soon as we arrived at daycare. He happily followed me around and went on about his business until time to leave.

Let me interject here: Ryder is always difficult. Even when he is minding, he is draining. I am not  saying he is always bad, just draining.  It sounds mean, but it is the truth.  He is needy, and I have questioned if he is also slightly OCD.  He gets something on the brain, and he cannot stop until he gets it.  He is loud, rambunctious, in your face and demanding at all times.  This doesn't mean he is always aggressive; even when he is happy, he is loud and dominating. For goodness sakes, he has nodules on his vocal chords called "screamers" from his vocal chords banging together so vigorously (as told to me by Dr. Wiatrak).  I often find myself thinking (or occasionally saying) "Ryder, please, go away!" or when it is really bad, "Ryder, will you shut up!" We are a loving family, an affectionate family, and I miss no opportunity to tell Ryder how loved he is, but sometimes I simply cannot take another second of his hounding before I want to scream...and be alone.

So, back to this morning. We arrived at school and I hopped out of the car to get his shoes on. Immediately he started crying. I could see the meltdown happening. He bawled and pleaded to wear his flip flops: "No!" I said. I started out talking sweetly, trying to explain that I wasn't trying to be mean, but the rules were that he could not wear them. He resisted. Time was ticking. I began losing my calm, and my sweet shifted to annoyed. "Ryder, put your tennis shoes on, now!" He got madder. Finally, I took his flip flops off, mostly by force and started to fight to get his shoes on him. He looked at me, tears filling his baby blue eyes, and grunted a hateful "ugh" while simultaneously slapping me with his shoe in anger. I cringed. In that split second I felt mad, embarrassed and truthfully, a bit worried. I told him "We do not hit!" He swatted at me again with his tiny hand balled into a fist. My first instinct was to pop his leg, then I pulled him fighting from the car and made him sit in timeout on the bench outside of daycare as I shifted my attention to getting Sawyer out of the car.  By the time we made it inside, he was wailing. I tried to ignore him, but my anger was obvious. I took Sawyer to his room and Ryder followed me. The thing with Ryder is that he can literally go from angry to pitiful in a heartbeat. He stood by my side crying and begging for a kiss. I handed Sawyer off and composed my thoughts. I sat with Ryder, hugged him and tried, possibly in too much detail, to explain to him "we can never hit someone. It is not okay to hit." He said all of the right things: "yes ma'am;" "I am sorry;" "we don't hit," yet, somehow, when I left, I felt depressed.

This is honestly a typical outburst from Ryder. I have friends/family who notice and have commented on his aggressive behavior.  Some think it is too aggressive and that Shaun and I are not strict enough. Others laugh and think his spunky attitude is hilarious and that it makes him a real "boy's boy" --tough and able to take up for himself.  I find myself apologizing for it, laughing at it or making excuses for it. I try to control him: we use timeout; we talk to him about appropriate behavior; we love him and always show him kindness. In truth, it makes me nervous.

Am I just having a moment? Is this typical almost-four-year-old-strong-willed-boy behavior? I don't know. What I do know is that I do not want him to be that child that other kids don't want to play with or other parents cannot stand. He is so sweet so often and that is the Ryder I want everyone to see.  I honestly do not think he is an evil or mean spirited soul; he literally just cannot control his immediate quick temper. When he gets angry, he lashes out in a split second, almost always physically: hitting, pushing, biting. He has even been known to bite or pinch himself when he is uncontrollably angry and doesn't seem to know what else to do.  Y'all, that is crazy! I have joked, probably more seriously than not, that I am worried about him becoming an abuser or a emo teenager who cuts himself! Those people exist; they came from somewhere! I am hoping I am being extremely over dramatic, but the thoughts have crossed my mind.

When I got to work, I googled "Three year old aggressive boys" and came across an interesting article about handling aggression in young children, which I have included here in this post: 

http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Aggressive-Behavior-in-Young-Children.php

I will admit, it made me feel a bit better about Ryder, but also made me depressed about how difficult it is to change. It is like trying to train a puppy (which I have never been successful at) or thinking about getting healthy only to find out everything is bad for you, even the stuff you thought was okay.  It takes constant and diligent effort. I also realized how much I am doing wrong:

Limit TV to nonviolent shows for no more than 30 minutes a day. --Well, we screw that up. Superheroes don't save the day over tea while talking about feelings.
Control your voice, do not raise it when correcting your child--I am loud anyway, so even though I do try, I eventually end up just yelling.
Remain calm and ignore your child while he or she throws a fit; do not give the bad behavior much attention--Ignoring it is hard. At home you get so mad that you don't want to ignore it, and when others are around, you feel like if you ignore it, they are looking at you thinking "uh huh, that is why he acts like that; she just ignores it." Admit it, you know you have thought that about others before.
Do not continue talking about the behavior in front of your child--Considering he is ALWAYS under me, and I feel the need to vent, I inevitably end up discussing it in-front of him.
Be consistent--Sometimes, when you are so worn out and just cannot take anymore, you just give in.
Stick to a schedule or routine, avoid triggers like overstimulating and limit unhealthy foods--Well, by the time I pick kids up, cook dinner, give baths, pick up the house, blah blah, it seems like it is impossible to get Ry in bed before 9. Then he wants to watch a movie (breathe easy, usually it is nighttime Curious George) and sometimes it is 10-10:30 before he goes to sleep. And unless Spaghetti Os and PB & Js are nutritious, then I am doing that wrong too. Not to mention the fight that has developed lately of him going to mom and dad's house and helping himself to a Coke without anyone else knowing it.  I swear, they are going to have to padlock their fridge when they move in!
Never react to your child's outburst by hitting (spanking) or using any other form of aggression--Well, we do spank, but never too hard or abusively (I have even been told maybe I wasn't spanking hard enough to make him get it) though, spanking at all is in question here. This one makes me think. The other day Ryder was getting out of timeout for hitting me, and I asked him if he understood why he was in trouble. He answered in his adorable gruff voice and with his Dennis the Menace like thoughtful expression "because we don't hit mommy. Only mommy can hit little boys." Heavy sigh, is that really teaching him anything?
Follow through; do not give a consequence that you cannot follow through with--How many times have you given an empty threat? Me, plenty. "I will take you home if you do that again!" He does it again; I respond, "I am serious; one more time and we are leaving!" You get the idea.

So, long story short, I am having one of those days....

I love Ryder; I know he is a good boy--I tell him so all the time. I try to always treat him right and teach him right from wrong. I have given an impression here that he is a kid with only bad behavior. That is so far from the truth. He is actually very loving; he is funny and he makes almost everyone laugh. He loves to cuddle, and he tells me how much he loves me all of the time without being prompted. He loves his baby brother and always looks out to protect him, play with him and teach him.  He seems truly sorry when he does get in trouble, and he will smother his loved ones in hugs and kisses repeatedly at any given chance.  He laughs and giggles and says thank you, please and yes ma'am on his own. Many of his meltdowns are sparked by insignificant incidents, not by his intent to be mean to me or others; I do, though, worry about some of his behavior, specifically this tendency to get mad and then get aggressive when things don't float his boat exactly the way he expects. Maybe he is immature and doesn't know how to handle his anger and responds with an immediate physical outburst. He is also quick to forget or get over his anger. Within minutes he is happy go lucky again, like it never happened.  Maybe it has to do with all of his ear issues and maybe began as a way to communicate when he didn't know of another way.  Maybe it is simply his personality and he is just who he is. Maybe he is spoiled and has just learned to be demanding and aggressive to get things of desire. Maybe I am making excuses. Maybe it is my fault and my own errors of parenting. 

I look at Sawyer, who is just beginning to develop his own personality.  He has always been so sweet and content. Now, he is starting to "yell" at me in baby babble when things don't happen his way (like when he isn't allowed to chew on the remote.) I am trying to make an effort to fix my responses to his outbursts in a different way than I did with Ryder.  In the beginning, seeing such attitude on a little guy was almost funny, and we would laugh and even unknowingly encourage it. I am not going to do that with Sawyer, or at least I am going to try not to.

I guess now I have to reevaluate how I deal with Ryder. Maybe I will hang up a reward chart and really start trying to focus on fixing my own behavior in response to him.  He will still have meltdowns and will probably, at least for the immediate future, still behave aggressively.  When I pick him up today, I hope to hear that he has been well behaved.  Whether he has been or hasn't been, I guess today just goes down as another post in my adventures of motherhood.

So, be honest. Do you still want to invite us to your parties? Is our behavior more normal than I think or should I start googling behavioral therapists now?

Advice appreciated.