Raising My Spirited Child...

Okay, I know it seems like I always post when Ryder has some type of behavioral problem.  (Consider this a follow up to my past post, Taming My Unruly Child: Failures in Parenthood, lol) Though always rambunctious and loud, he is not always "bad."  It is just that I seem most inspired to write when things are troubling me or stressing me out. Maybe Taylor Swift isn't always breaking up with boys and then falling in love again and then breaking up again--maybe she is only inspired to write about those situations and that is simply all we see regarding her relationships! So just call me the Taylor Swift of parenting blogs...

Nevertheless, this post concerns, you guessed it, Ryder's hard (at times) to control personality.

I have noticed in the past weeks/months that Ryder has become increasingly disrespectful towards me in-particular.  He has always been an extremely spirited, very independent, very "I'll-do-it-myself" type of kid, but in recent weeks, he has picked up some unflattering habits.  He has taken to saying things like "yeah yeah, whatever" when I ask him to do something or saying, "in a minute" when I give him a command.  Now, in the beginning, I admit, responded probably inappropriately to these responses.  Sometimes I would laugh or let it slide.  You have to understand, Ryder has such a funny way about what he does and what he says.  He isn't like the typical whiny kid who is grating or the harshly cruel child who is hateful; instead, he is almost comical in the way he responds.  And it is not just me--everyone tends to laugh at some of the responses he gives when, in all honesty, he should be reprimanded.  Recently though, this talk has escalated, and his most disrespectful speech tends to be directed at me.  Now he will flat out say "No!" when I tell him to do something, or he will angrily yell hurtful comments at me when I do something he doesn't like, don't give him what he wants, or try to discipline him.  It seems as if I hear "I don't like you; you're not my girlfriend anymore" or "I am mad at you mommy" or worse once a day.  I try and let it slide, knowing he is intentionally pushing my buttons to get a response, but sometimes, it feels overwhelming.  And I get that kids are typically less intimidated by and more likely to test a mother than a father, but that does not excuse his behavior or make it any less hurtful.    

Along with his developing backtalk, he has also developed the four year old version of a potty mouth. He has certainly picked a lot of this up from classmates at school, but still, it is not okay for him to incorporate talk like "poopy head, butt crack, naked head, doo doo butt" or any other gross kid term into his everyday vocabulary.  I have noticed over the past 4 weeks that he is using phrases like these to the point that it is becoming habit. He is even starting to us these words without even really realizing it; he just spouts them out.  And like any boy, it always makes him giggle to talk about pooting, farting or burping.  The other day when he was mad at me, he yelled at me and told me "Mommy, you're a doo doo."  Is that like the four year old version of calling someone a piece of shit? I mean , good lawd. Shaun and I and my parents have been trying very diligently and seriously to correct him when he says these things, but this leads me into my next behavioral issue: not listening.

I can repeat myself 800,000,000,000 times, and he still can ignore me like I never said anything! I have been fighting this battle honestly for 3 years now (basically since he was old enough to intentionally not listen.)  Example: I have been telling him not to drink the bath water for YEARS! And yet, every time he takes a bath, I catch him drinking the water. It is so frustrating.  I say "do not drink the bath water!" at least 3 times during every bath. I have spanked him, jerked him out of the tub as soon as he drank the water, taken his bath toys away, taken any water holding containers out of the tub, and yet, he still drinks the bath water, always.

The thing is, this kid has stickability.  He can wear a person down, is as stubborn as a mule and has a spirit that is hard to, for lack of a better word, break.  PLEASE don't misunderstand, raising him has been wonderful, but certainly tiring as well.  I have, however, reached the end of my rope as far as taking his attitude.  He is honestly a very sweet hearted boy, but he wants what he wants and if he doesn't get it, he can lose it.  Often if he is extremely frustrated, he will immediately lash out by throwing something or trying to hit me or whoever is close by.  I really think, at least in part, this is his personality (the impulsive behavior and the rambunctious attitude that is).  He is sweet 80% of the time and difficult 20% and a handful 100%.  I liken him to a dog (just hear me out), maybe a lab or something that is typically happy go lucky, but even then is bounding through the house, chewing on furniture and tearing things up. Even on Ryder's best days, he is spunky and all over the place.  Those days I can handle, enjoy even.  Honestly, I think I would feel bored if he were subdued.  It is just this recent development of his more aggressive, disrespectful and oblivious-to-being-scolded side that is driving me batcrap crazy.

Truthfully, sometimes I worry about his behavior, worry about others' perceptions of him, worry about how he will handle kindergarten and school; heck, I'd be a liar if I didn't admit I have even worried he may end up in Juvie, lol.  I have decided though that my behavior is as much to blame as anything.  I definitely know how I need to react when he tests me, and boy can he test me.  I also think a lot of parenting know-it-alls who love to offer parenting advice have not really dealt with such a headstrong kid who can be so unphased by a punishment or who acts so oblivious to the fact that he is seriously about to go one step too far.  Sometimes, even though I know I must contain my composure, I just lose it and yell at him, raise my voice or do something to really let him know that whatever he is doing is getting to me, which is ultimately what he wants.  Top this off by adding to it the guilt I feel for responding to him in a way that I know is not really helping the situation and then mix it with the worry I am suppressing that I am not being a successful parent.  I know I must be consistent too with how I handle him.  It is like dieting.  I know how to be healthy; it is just hard being diligent to always stick to it.  And the other thing about Ryder is, it isn't just random outbursts that subside.  He doesn't have tantrums.  He's never totally melted down in a completely uncontrollable way; instead he is constantly being strong willed, constantly having to be reigned in so to speak.  He does better in an atmosphere where he can be loud or run around.  I don't feel so worried, which makes me calmer and causes him to then be better behaved. But put us in a quiet room or a place where he needs to be still and behaved, and I almost instantly start to sweat.  Long lines are my own personal hell, I swear.  I get tense and he gets bored, which leads to him being loud and obnoxious and me being easily set off.

My pediatrician, I think, really thinks Ryder is ADD or ADHD, but he hasn't specifically said it, though he did tell me he figured in kindergarten the teacher may reference me to seeking help for it.  I guess a part of me also believes he is ADD or ADHD.  I am not saying I am looking for a diagnosis or medicine, but I think he has a limited ability to focus, and when he does focus on something that he wants to focus on, it is almost impossible to get him to respond to anything else. So, I have to come up with something to help to change not only his behavior, but mine also.  I realized this after talking to a friend this week about some similar problems she had with her daughter and the fact that she was improving due to the mom knowing how to better handle the behaviors.  It left me actually feeling encouraged at the fact that his behavior can be modified and improved.  So I decided to put into action some steps that, I hope, will help to start really teaching Ryder to control himself and to be a better behaved child.

I went to Dollar General and bought the supplies to make a behavioral chart for him so he can have more structure, definition and consistency as to what I expect from him, and so far, I think it may really be what I needed.  He was ecstatic about it and was so happy to earn stars to put on it.  It is basically a reward system that requires him to earn stickers, which he can the cash in for prizes (like getting an ice cream, going to play at Chick Fil A or getting to pick a surprise from a treasure box).  Last night he even attempted to eat some of a grilled cheese (big for him), and he went to bed much easier than most nights (though it was not totally glitch free).  I have also discovered he is much more upset by knowing he has a "yellow light" than he is by being put into time out or being spanked.  Granted, when the new wears off, he may not be as excited and willing to follow directions, but hopefully this can keep him on track and provide him with a sense of satisfaction for doing positive things instead of just getting attention for his "bad behavior."  And I am not so sure how to handle some of this in public or while away from home, (maybe a travel chart and a to-go red light/green light chart?) but for the moment, I am satisfied with this start.  My sweet husband also provided me with a Link To Focus On The Family ADHD Tips that I have shared with you concerning handling a child with ADHD, and though Ryder is not diagnosed with this, I think the steps and advice fit our situation perfectly.  

 
That being said, I think kids will be kids, and I certainly do not expect him to be perfect.  I just want to raise him to be kind, smart, sweet and respectful. I have to nip these current behaviors in the bud now before they become true personality traits.  I also have to remember he has only been four for roughly ten weeks, and he is a boy, so he may be immature at that.  He may also be frustrated at times, and he may not know any other way of channeling his frustrations other than lashing out. I don't know, maybe he feels most comfortable with me so he feels the most comfortable lashing out at me, but whatever it is, I want to teach him the skills he needs to be happy and healthy, even if he is ever formally diagnosed with ADD or ADHD.

I have also noticed lately that Ryder tends to give up easily when he cannot get the hang of something the first time, like with a skill or activity.  He then goes into meltdown mode and cries and pouts.  He did this several times this past weekend at Six Flags when he didn't win a game he played or couldn't climb the rope latter to the top.  I want him to know that to me, he is the most special boy in the world, but that to the world, he is equal to everyone else.  I want him to be happy with himself, think highly of himself, but have empathy for others.  I don't want him to have such a high self esteem that he thinks the world owes him something for nothing. Heck, even bullies can have high self esteem (shout out Dr. Laura, lol).   I want him to learn to lose gracefully, and not to just expect to be given a trophy for simply showing up.  As a mother, it is hard to watch your child be disappointed, but learning the skills to cope with disappointment in a positive way will serve him better in the long run than by being the mother who never lets her child fail.

So, I have decided it is not just him that needs to change; it is me too.  I am going to try to maintain my composure when he pushes me to the edge. I am going to try to be more consistent with rules, rewards and punishments. I am going to try to stop spoiling him so much, stop buying him a toy every time we walk into a store or get him a prize for, well, typically for behaving badly in order to pacify him and hope he will then magically be nice. Sometimes, I admit, it does work, but usually, it doesn't really do anything but make the pattern harder to break in the future.  I distinctly remember last year on Christmas night (and we have HUGE Christmases at our house) he asked me when he was getting ready for bed if he could have a surprise. I was stunned.  He was surrounded by a ton of toys, some even unopened.  I know I won't be perfect, and if you see me in public with him acting up, and I am about to lose it, cut me a break please. But other than that, wish me luck and offer me encouragement and advice for how to tame my spirited child!  

And finally, I just want to mention, just to be clear, I write when I am frustrated and though it may appear otherwise, Ryder is an amazing son and person. He is gorgeous and funny and loving too.  He just is also difficult at times.  And I am honest.  I think many kids are like this, but parents don't love to admit it to other parents.  It usually makes me feel better though when I discover other moms of kids who I think of as well behaved have moments where they experience similar situations to mine.