Taming My Unruly Child: Failures in Parenthood.

Do you ever have days when you feel like a complete and total failure as a parent? Well, for me, today is one of those days.  I have two beautiful and loving boys, and both are the center of my entire world, but I am the first to admit that neither is perfect. 

Ryder has a unique personality. He is fun loving, free spirited and always interesting.  I love almost everything about his pint sized personality, almost everything. The one Ryder trait that drives me nutty is his aggressive behavior. I laugh and joke about it, but truth be told, sometimes I actually feel more like crying than laughing.  Let me give you an example of this undesirable behavior:

Today before going to school, Ryder decided that he wanted to wear his blue flip flops.  Daycare does not allow, or at least has requested that the kids not wear flip flops so as to protect their toes while playing.  I argued that he could not wear them.  In the meantime, Sawyer, who lately seems to be following right along with a loud and bossy personality, was destroying the bedroom, and I was trying to hurry to get out the door for work.  My first mistake of the morning was giving in; I decided that, in effort to avoid an argument and meltdown, that he could wear the flip flops in the car and then change to his tennis shoes at school. I clearly explained this to him, telling him he would have to put the other shoes on as soon as we arrived at daycare. He happily followed me around and went on about his business until time to leave.

Let me interject here: Ryder is always difficult. Even when he is minding, he is draining. I am not  saying he is always bad, just draining.  It sounds mean, but it is the truth.  He is needy, and I have questioned if he is also slightly OCD.  He gets something on the brain, and he cannot stop until he gets it.  He is loud, rambunctious, in your face and demanding at all times.  This doesn't mean he is always aggressive; even when he is happy, he is loud and dominating. For goodness sakes, he has nodules on his vocal chords called "screamers" from his vocal chords banging together so vigorously (as told to me by Dr. Wiatrak).  I often find myself thinking (or occasionally saying) "Ryder, please, go away!" or when it is really bad, "Ryder, will you shut up!" We are a loving family, an affectionate family, and I miss no opportunity to tell Ryder how loved he is, but sometimes I simply cannot take another second of his hounding before I want to scream...and be alone.

So, back to this morning. We arrived at school and I hopped out of the car to get his shoes on. Immediately he started crying. I could see the meltdown happening. He bawled and pleaded to wear his flip flops: "No!" I said. I started out talking sweetly, trying to explain that I wasn't trying to be mean, but the rules were that he could not wear them. He resisted. Time was ticking. I began losing my calm, and my sweet shifted to annoyed. "Ryder, put your tennis shoes on, now!" He got madder. Finally, I took his flip flops off, mostly by force and started to fight to get his shoes on him. He looked at me, tears filling his baby blue eyes, and grunted a hateful "ugh" while simultaneously slapping me with his shoe in anger. I cringed. In that split second I felt mad, embarrassed and truthfully, a bit worried. I told him "We do not hit!" He swatted at me again with his tiny hand balled into a fist. My first instinct was to pop his leg, then I pulled him fighting from the car and made him sit in timeout on the bench outside of daycare as I shifted my attention to getting Sawyer out of the car.  By the time we made it inside, he was wailing. I tried to ignore him, but my anger was obvious. I took Sawyer to his room and Ryder followed me. The thing with Ryder is that he can literally go from angry to pitiful in a heartbeat. He stood by my side crying and begging for a kiss. I handed Sawyer off and composed my thoughts. I sat with Ryder, hugged him and tried, possibly in too much detail, to explain to him "we can never hit someone. It is not okay to hit." He said all of the right things: "yes ma'am;" "I am sorry;" "we don't hit," yet, somehow, when I left, I felt depressed.

This is honestly a typical outburst from Ryder. I have friends/family who notice and have commented on his aggressive behavior.  Some think it is too aggressive and that Shaun and I are not strict enough. Others laugh and think his spunky attitude is hilarious and that it makes him a real "boy's boy" --tough and able to take up for himself.  I find myself apologizing for it, laughing at it or making excuses for it. I try to control him: we use timeout; we talk to him about appropriate behavior; we love him and always show him kindness. In truth, it makes me nervous.

Am I just having a moment? Is this typical almost-four-year-old-strong-willed-boy behavior? I don't know. What I do know is that I do not want him to be that child that other kids don't want to play with or other parents cannot stand. He is so sweet so often and that is the Ryder I want everyone to see.  I honestly do not think he is an evil or mean spirited soul; he literally just cannot control his immediate quick temper. When he gets angry, he lashes out in a split second, almost always physically: hitting, pushing, biting. He has even been known to bite or pinch himself when he is uncontrollably angry and doesn't seem to know what else to do.  Y'all, that is crazy! I have joked, probably more seriously than not, that I am worried about him becoming an abuser or a emo teenager who cuts himself! Those people exist; they came from somewhere! I am hoping I am being extremely over dramatic, but the thoughts have crossed my mind.

When I got to work, I googled "Three year old aggressive boys" and came across an interesting article about handling aggression in young children, which I have included here in this post: 

http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Aggressive-Behavior-in-Young-Children.php

I will admit, it made me feel a bit better about Ryder, but also made me depressed about how difficult it is to change. It is like trying to train a puppy (which I have never been successful at) or thinking about getting healthy only to find out everything is bad for you, even the stuff you thought was okay.  It takes constant and diligent effort. I also realized how much I am doing wrong:

Limit TV to nonviolent shows for no more than 30 minutes a day. --Well, we screw that up. Superheroes don't save the day over tea while talking about feelings.
Control your voice, do not raise it when correcting your child--I am loud anyway, so even though I do try, I eventually end up just yelling.
Remain calm and ignore your child while he or she throws a fit; do not give the bad behavior much attention--Ignoring it is hard. At home you get so mad that you don't want to ignore it, and when others are around, you feel like if you ignore it, they are looking at you thinking "uh huh, that is why he acts like that; she just ignores it." Admit it, you know you have thought that about others before.
Do not continue talking about the behavior in front of your child--Considering he is ALWAYS under me, and I feel the need to vent, I inevitably end up discussing it in-front of him.
Be consistent--Sometimes, when you are so worn out and just cannot take anymore, you just give in.
Stick to a schedule or routine, avoid triggers like overstimulating and limit unhealthy foods--Well, by the time I pick kids up, cook dinner, give baths, pick up the house, blah blah, it seems like it is impossible to get Ry in bed before 9. Then he wants to watch a movie (breathe easy, usually it is nighttime Curious George) and sometimes it is 10-10:30 before he goes to sleep. And unless Spaghetti Os and PB & Js are nutritious, then I am doing that wrong too. Not to mention the fight that has developed lately of him going to mom and dad's house and helping himself to a Coke without anyone else knowing it.  I swear, they are going to have to padlock their fridge when they move in!
Never react to your child's outburst by hitting (spanking) or using any other form of aggression--Well, we do spank, but never too hard or abusively (I have even been told maybe I wasn't spanking hard enough to make him get it) though, spanking at all is in question here. This one makes me think. The other day Ryder was getting out of timeout for hitting me, and I asked him if he understood why he was in trouble. He answered in his adorable gruff voice and with his Dennis the Menace like thoughtful expression "because we don't hit mommy. Only mommy can hit little boys." Heavy sigh, is that really teaching him anything?
Follow through; do not give a consequence that you cannot follow through with--How many times have you given an empty threat? Me, plenty. "I will take you home if you do that again!" He does it again; I respond, "I am serious; one more time and we are leaving!" You get the idea.

So, long story short, I am having one of those days....

I love Ryder; I know he is a good boy--I tell him so all the time. I try to always treat him right and teach him right from wrong. I have given an impression here that he is a kid with only bad behavior. That is so far from the truth. He is actually very loving; he is funny and he makes almost everyone laugh. He loves to cuddle, and he tells me how much he loves me all of the time without being prompted. He loves his baby brother and always looks out to protect him, play with him and teach him.  He seems truly sorry when he does get in trouble, and he will smother his loved ones in hugs and kisses repeatedly at any given chance.  He laughs and giggles and says thank you, please and yes ma'am on his own. Many of his meltdowns are sparked by insignificant incidents, not by his intent to be mean to me or others; I do, though, worry about some of his behavior, specifically this tendency to get mad and then get aggressive when things don't float his boat exactly the way he expects. Maybe he is immature and doesn't know how to handle his anger and responds with an immediate physical outburst. He is also quick to forget or get over his anger. Within minutes he is happy go lucky again, like it never happened.  Maybe it has to do with all of his ear issues and maybe began as a way to communicate when he didn't know of another way.  Maybe it is simply his personality and he is just who he is. Maybe he is spoiled and has just learned to be demanding and aggressive to get things of desire. Maybe I am making excuses. Maybe it is my fault and my own errors of parenting. 

I look at Sawyer, who is just beginning to develop his own personality.  He has always been so sweet and content. Now, he is starting to "yell" at me in baby babble when things don't happen his way (like when he isn't allowed to chew on the remote.) I am trying to make an effort to fix my responses to his outbursts in a different way than I did with Ryder.  In the beginning, seeing such attitude on a little guy was almost funny, and we would laugh and even unknowingly encourage it. I am not going to do that with Sawyer, or at least I am going to try not to.

I guess now I have to reevaluate how I deal with Ryder. Maybe I will hang up a reward chart and really start trying to focus on fixing my own behavior in response to him.  He will still have meltdowns and will probably, at least for the immediate future, still behave aggressively.  When I pick him up today, I hope to hear that he has been well behaved.  Whether he has been or hasn't been, I guess today just goes down as another post in my adventures of motherhood.

So, be honest. Do you still want to invite us to your parties? Is our behavior more normal than I think or should I start googling behavioral therapists now?

Advice appreciated.