Three Year Olds Have Cliques?

How important is popularity? Does it make a person more successful, happier, or more well rounded?

GaLinda, from Wicked (the Musical, adapted from the book by Gregory Maguire) believes popularity is the way to be successful in life, and though we learn that she changes throughout the story by befriending the unpopular Elphaba, she still holds on to her public role as the popular Glinda the Good in order to maintain her power with the public. She even sings about popularity as she tries to change Elphie in the early stages of this unlikely friendship:

 When I see depressing creatures,
With unprepossessing features,
I remind them on their own behalf
To - think - of
Celebrated heads of state,
Or specially great communicators!
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!

They were POPULAR!
Please!
It's all about popular.
It's not about aptitude,
It's the way you're viewed,
So it's very shrewd to be,
Very very popular
like ME! 

In Arthur Miller's play, Death of A Salesman, Willy Lowman, the protagonist and tragic hero, basically destroys his relationship with his two sons by constantly pushing them to be "well liked" by everyone, even if it means taking advantage of others to do so. Willy refers to Bernard, Biff's nerdy friend, as "liked, but not well-liked." According to Willy, only great men are "well liked."  The reader sees the great flaw in this thinking, and in the end, it is Bernard who turns out to be successful, while Biff and Happy flounder, but still, is Willy, at least in theory, on to something?

 I say all of that to get to this: Do most parents want their kids to be popular?

Ryder is only three, going on four years old.  When I had children, honestly the idea of their popularity never really crossed my mind.  

Flashing back to my school years, I have memories of truly enjoying going to school. Of course, I can recall a time here or there when maybe I was the odd man out at a sleepover or party, but for the most part, I never really actively thought about popularity or worried about being liked by others. I wasn't necessarily the most popular girl in my grade--I wasn't the homecoming queen or a cheerleader, but I was friends with the girls who were. I was also friends with the girls who were not. I cannot remember a time when I ever dreaded school or was afraid I would be left out of the group.  

The thought of worrying about my own children's popularity seems odd.  After all, Ryder is not even school age, but lately, I have been thinking more about it. Let me clarify, I think the term "popular" here is incorrect. I am not worried about my kids being the most popular kid in the class; in fact, I think that would come with its own set of worries, but what I am talking about is simply worrying about my kids having plenty of friends and not being singled out.  

Let's face it, kids can be mean. We have all witnessed it at some point or another. I think every mom has probably shared at least one moment of worry over the feelings of her children when they are around other kids.  I, for one, certainly don't want Ryder to ever be without friends or made to feel excluded from a group; that is simply the mothering instinct within me to protect my child from hurt.  

I can tell Ryder is really growing up; he has transitioned out of the baby/toddler stage and has entered the little boy stage. With this comes the task of developing friendships on his own and learning how to play well with others.  Ry has been going to the same daycare for three years and has pretty much been with the same group of kids. I always assumed they just played in one big group, but I have been surprised to find out lately that cliques and best friends are already being developed. That seems crazy to me. Ryder is constantly asking me for something (boots, shirt, toy, jacket, you name it) based on the fact that someone else has one. He will say "I need a pair of brown boots like So and So kid has at daycare."  The keeping up with what everyone else has is already starting---in 3 year old preschool!  But the conversation that really sparked my thought about this topic took place a couple of weeks ago. 

Everyday when I pick Ryder up and drive him home, I ask him the usual questions: "Did you have a good day?" "What did you do?" "Who did you play with?" This series of questions is really just me trying to keep a conversation going with him.  Last week though, when I asked "Who did you play with?" He happily answered a girl's name and a boy's name. I said the appropriate response of "Good! What did y'all play?"  Then I, for no real reason, began spouting off the names from the class that I am familiar with, "Did you play with So and So boy?" Ryder's answer sort of stopped me in my tracks.  He said "No, he doesn't like me." So, I tried rephrasing the question: "Oh, you didn't play together today, but y'all are still friends?" Ryder was firm, "No, he is mean to me; he doesn't like me."

I admit, and if you read my blog, you are aware Ryder is a loud and overpowering personality, probably one that I can assume not every kid will gravitate towards. But somehow I was a bit shocked. I guess the realization that not everyone Ryder plays with will always like him never crossed my mind. I knew that he often fights with his cousin, Jake, and that at times it seems like they don't get along, but I also knew they are more like siblings than friends and that, at the end of the day, Ryder will tell me he wants to see Jake because he is his "frand."  But somehow this hurt my feeling for Ryder, though he seemed to not care. 

I decided that maybe Ryder didn't really understand the idea of what it means to not be friends versus "we simply didn't play together today." I started quizzing him daily about his friends, who he played with and who others in the class played with, all while trying to be upbeat so as not to make him feel like something was wrong or like he was being left out.  Still, daily I was met with the same basic answers.

A day or so later when I dropped him off at school, I forgot to put his ear drops in (after his tubes) and asked if it was okay that I go get him to put them in. When I walked into the room, Ryder was crying and standing by the teacher and saying "So and So boy (the same I had asked Ryder about in the car) won't let me play with him." This literally broke my heart. I then became worried about it. Was he going to have friends? Would he be left out or excluded at school? He is too young for it to really hurt hist feeling for longer than 3 minutes right now, but at what point would it become more hurtful for him? Was I being totally over dramatic and doing some serious hoovering mothering about this particular topic? I didn't know.  I asked another teacher and, though she did confirm that Ryder didn't get along with that particular boy based on the fact they are both pushy and want to be the boss, that he seems to play fine with everyone, though he doesn't tend to play with any one group of kids for too long before moving on and that he does seem to fight less with the girls. He also isn't as physical with the girls (well, at least that is one worry I feel better about and can remove from the list:  girl abuser.)

Then, a few days ago I asked again the same series of questions, and he told me he played with the same little girl he seems to always play with. I said "what about the boy you have been playing with?" He answered  "He is not my buddy."  WHAT?! Why all of the sudden is he playing with all little girls when he is in a class filled with boys?  He is very boyish and not a thing about him is girly, so I didn't understand. I questioned what he played with the girls.  He said "hide in seek."  I again suggested he ask the boys to play hide in seek with him, and he told me they weren't his friends and that he liked playing with the girls.  When I prodded him as to why, he replied "because they are my girlfriends; I love girls." Okay. Should I be happy or worried at this response? I tested him further: "What about the other kids?" One thing I noticed is that he seems to view the friendships of the others in pairs: Bill and Ted are friends, Tim and Joey are friends, Jack and Tom are friends.  You get the point?  So I am not sure if he just thinks that once a kid plays with someone else, they are friends and no one else is included, ergo anyone outside of this pairing is not a friend.  But I keep wondering about how he told me the boys were mean to him.  Does he understand what that really means? (It seems he does in other contexts. For example, if he doesn't get something he wants, then I am mean, which is logical for a three year old.) Or is he simply saying stuff in reply to my questions. A three year old isn't always reliable after all. The other day he told me they ate "Honey Bunnies" (which is a term of endearment I call him) for lunch at school, and he stuck to that story. But it does seem that he is always consistent in our conversation about friends, who he played with and who doesn't "like him."  

In the end, I have decided that I am simply going to teach him to be nice to everyone, and if someone doesn't want to play with him, to just move on and find someone else who will.  I also recognize how silly this all sounds, particularly because of his age.  But the more I have thought about it and the more I am observing, the more I can see other moms trying to get their kids into the perceived "in crowds" at an early age, planning play dates and forming connections that they hope will pay off later.  I understand this line of thinking honestly.  I think life for a well liked kid is probably a bit easier, at least in the present, than it is for a kid who is left out.  I think part of my fear is also over the fact that Ryder will be starting a new daycare this fall in Southside, and I am worried about how he will fit in with both the teachers and the other kids. Obviously, I want him to be liked by the other kids, and I suppose I view his being accepted by others a factor in his happiness.  Doesn't everyone, for the most part, want to be accepted?  

So, in your opinion, am I being over dramatic? Is it normal to worry about such silly and superficial matters? Have you, moms out there, ever, even slightly, felt this way about your children? 

If so, make me feel better! (Let me just add that this seems to be my issue; Ryder seems to be perfectly happy at school and doesn't even notice that he is telling me that others leave him out!)

From Mean Girls: (Guess this is a problem for the ages...)

Regina: We do not have a clique problem at this school.

Gretchen: But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".

Regina: What are "frenemies"?

Gretchen: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies".

Karen: Or "enemends".

Gretchen: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors".

Regina: [Rolls eyes] That is so gay.

Karen: [Gasps] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"?

[Regina scoffs]

Gretchen: No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it.

Karen: Oh...